Violent Children

This is a picture of my brother Felix with one of his favorite toys.  In those days, it was common for little boys to play with guns.  They pretended to be Cowboys and Indians or Cops and Robbers.  One summer, the boys in my neighborhood spent several weeks playing out the Civil War with both Union and Confederate armies.  As the Boomer generation, we grew up on stories of WWII.   Boys played with plastic soldiers and drew pictures of planes dropping bombs.  But there were no news stories about real life gun violence.   

Times have changed dramatically.  I'm not even sure if toy guns are sold anymore, except for water pistols.  The type of gun play that exists today is more likely to be paint ball, laser tag, or video and arcade games.  Yet news stories overflow with horrible mass murders, often committed by young people who have access to real guns.  Gun violence in our society is an epidemic.

Adolescent and adult behaviors have their roots in early childhood.  When children are very young, their bodies and brains are growing more rapidly than they ever will again. This is a critical time of life to acquire moral values and learn social behaviors.  Any aggressive behaviors in young children must be firmly addressed.  "Boys will be boys", expressed as rough and tumble play, is normal.  ( See my post on boys:  BOY POWER!)  Aggression is different.  Aggression is an intentional attempt to hurt someone, and cannot be tolerated.

Violent children are the most challenging to teach and to raise.  Most aggressive behaviors in young children are normal and can be managed relatively easily with positive discipline . (More in my post:  Discipline:  Key to Maturity)  Other times, aggressive behavior is a symptom of an underlying developmental issue, such as a learning disability, ADHD,  problems with sensory integration, an emotional disorder, or a medical condition.  Sometimes we find the roots of aggression in a child's environment.  Children suffering from abuse or neglect, children who witness violence at home, children caught in the middle of a highly contentious divorce, often turn to violent behaviors as an outlet for their pain.  And then there are a few children, very few, for whom we cannot find a source of their aggression. 

The examples above point to the dominance of nature, the qualities we are born with, and nurture, the effects of our environment, in determining our behaviors.  The truth is that both play an equally powerful role in deciding who a child will grow up to be.  When we observe aggressive behaviors in a child, we first look for a cause.  We take note of when and how the aggression takes place, seeking clues to both his nature and his environment. Is he bored, frustrated, confused, hurt, anxious....?  How can we modify his environment to help? A three year old was biting his classmates. We kept a log of his behavior and noticed that he bit different children during different activities.  The one constant was the timing; he usually bit about an hour before lunch and again just before dismissal.  We began giving him pretzel rods to chew on and the biting subsided. 

It is not easy to identify the causes of a child's aggression, and even harder to figure out the best way to help.  And what about those children for whom we cannot find a reason  for their behavior?  I've only met one, maybe two, in my career.  They scared me.  These are children who hurt others without provocation and without remorse.  They seem to like seeing others in pain.  They only care about their own desires.  They have a strong need to control their environment.  I just read a book and a magazine article that helped me understand these children better.  The book is Savage Spawn, by Jonathan Kellerman, a clinical professor of pediatrics and psychology, better known for his murder mystery novels.  The article appeared in the January issue of National Geographic, and is titled "The Science of Good and Evil".  I learned that empathy, the ability to experience how another person is feeling, can be measured in the brain by the size of the amygdala, and that psychopaths actually have smaller amygdalas than the rest of us. Fascinating.  That means that some people are genetically predisposed to be colder and more violent than others.

 Differences in a child's brain do not sentence him to a life of psychopathy or anti-social behavior.  All young children are ready and able to learn.  Their brains are still malleable.  Directly teaching appropriate behaviors helps every child learn social responsibility. Those  with a predisposition to violence can be trained in a structured environment that targets specific goals for behavior.  Positive reinforcement works by granting and removing privileges based on reaching these goals. This is a daunting task for teachers and parents who need to remain patient and positive for years.    

There are many curricular activities that teachers can bring into an early childhood classroom to promote compassion and cooperation.  Children can learn at an early age that it's cool to be kind.  They can be taught to identify their own emotions, as well as those of others, and to respond appropriately to those emotions.  At home and at school, adults can highlight the value of giving and doing for others.  We all know that children are our future.  With hard work and cooperation between teachers and parents, we can help make that future a bright one.

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Positive Reinforcement

A couple of weeks ago, my grandchildren and I visited the Wildlife Zoo in Phoenix, Arizona.  We attended a sea lion show , but there was no performance. The sea lions were fairly new to the zoo and were still in training.  One of the zoo keepers explained the training process, while another demonstrated with a sea lion.  It was actually a lesson in positive reinforcement.  If the trainer wanted the sea lion to touch a pole, she would wait until it came close to the pole, then feed it a little fish.  Next time, the animal would get the fish as it reached up for the pole.  This would continue, with the pole being raised and the animal reaching higher until it learned to jump and touch the pole with its nose.  Interestingly, we saw another animal show in which a porcupine, a muskrat, and a parrot also learned to do tricks by repeating behaviors that brought them treats. 

Positive reinforcement is a method of teaching behaviors and skills by rewarding the student for closer and closer approximations to the desired goal.  It is standard practice in early childhood classrooms.  A reward is as simple as a smile, a hand on a shoulder, a hug, a few encouraging words, even saying the child's name in a delighted tone of voice.  So let's say we want a child to clean up his toys.  As he begins to pick up a toy, we immediately acknowledge his effort, "You're starting to clean up the blocks, good work!".  This simple praise generally serves to reinforce the behavior.  The child will continue the behavior and look forward to more praise.

To be most effective, positive reinforcement should be immediate. We must be watchful for any attempts made toward the target behavior, and immediately give feedback. The objective is to catch the child doing the right thing.  A common example in early childhood education is getting the children to settle down for circle time. All the teacher has to say is "I like the way Gabriel is sitting", and the other children will flock to sit nicely and hear their names too.  Amazingly, the effects of positive reinforcement are physically visible, not only in the behavior, but in the child's body language.  She appears to grow before our eyes, standng taller, filling up with a good sense of self.

 Positive reinforcement is used to praise effort.  It specifically addresses the approximation of a desired behavior.  This can be particularly helpful for children who are timid or find something distasteful.  Think of a picky eater.  If he takes a small bite of a new food we can say, "I know it's hard for you to taste new things, but you did it anyway.  I'm proud of you.".  Of course, this would be most powerful if he actually likes the new food, but again, we are praising the effort so that he will be more willing to try again next time.  Positive reinforcement is also important in teaching skills; "You're working hard to practice writing "S".  It's getting better and better."  In this last example, it might help to give a suggestion, such as "Try to reach the hat line next time." 

Positive reinforcement is a great motivator for older children and adults too  Everyone wants a pat on the back for the work that we do, but few of us actually get one.  Feeling noticed and appreciated keeps us motivated to stay the course and to work even harder. Positive feedback also clarifies expectations.  As an early childhood director, I looked for opportunities to compliment my staff, whether on a creative bulletin board, new lesson ideas, or the way they spoke with a student.  I understood that this type of feedback would reveal what I valued as quality work, and would motivate the teachers to keep it up.  (Truly, they made my job easy.  I worked with some amazing teachers.)   As an educator,  my greatest rewards were often the notes of thanks from parents.  These notes are treasured by teachers, who give so much of themselves to their students everyday, and are rarely recognized for their commitment.  An appreciated teacher is happier to do her job, and a happy teacher brings about optimal learning for her students. 

In my post "Hello Sunshine" I talked about the uplifting effects that positive people have on us.  In offering positive reinforcement, we can build on our children's strengths.  We can create a pleasant environment for work and play.  We can celebrate together all the little steps that lead to big learning and growth.

The Age of Entitlement

 My last post, Hello Sunshine, touched upon the effects of a cheerful greeting.  One reader shared her observation that today's kids are not being taught to greet people as they enter a room.  It got me thinking about the importance of teaching our children this common courtesy.  Children have as much to gain as adults in greeting others pleasantly.  And it struck me that our failure to teach this basic social skill might be a side effect of what teachers today refer to as "entitlement".  Entitlement is a buzzword in schools everywhere.  It refers to the attitude of many parents and children that they have the right to get whatever they want simply because they want it. To me it brings to mind a titled monarch; someone to whom others owe allegiance.  So many parents seem driven to shield their children from any unpleasantness in life while simultaneously pushing them ahead as far as they can. Teachers are no longer considered authority figures.  If a child doesn't do his homework for example, it's not uncommon for his parent to make excuses and argue that he not be penalized.  Some of us remember being in trouble at home if the teacher called to discuss our behavior.  Today, parents are more likely to place the blame for a child's misbehavior elsewhere:  on the teacher, the school, or the other students. A colleague of mine once dealt with a difficult parent over the phone.  His fifth grade son had been acting aggressively on the school bus, and actually bit another child. The father ranted about the other kids, the bus driver, the school's responsibility, until my friend said to him, "At some point, you're going to have to stop defending him and let him take responsibility for his actions.".  I could have kissed her.

 Entitlement is selfishness.  It dismisses the needs, feelings, and rights of other people.  I'm not sure that we can pinpoint a specific origin for this phenomenon, and I don't believe that it began solely with parents.  It may have begun years ago, when psychologists and others became concerned with the development of children's self-esteem.  This led to over-praising children, accepting mediocre work as a "good job" or effortless scribbles as "beautiful".  Many parents, for various reasons, are reluctant to say "no" to their children, so kids are accustomed to getting what they want.  (Take a look at my post "All You Need Is Love" for more on this).   Or it may be that a sense of entitlement stems from our stressed out, achievement oriented society, where getting ahead is a top priority. The  very term "getting ahead" implies competition; ahead of someone else.  We push our children to get into the best schools, to get top grades, to pad their college resumes with extracurricular activities.  And schools contribute to this feeling of competition as teachers and students struggle to meet the demands of more standardized tests and rigorous academics pushed down to younger and younger grades.  In addition, parents today may be more protective of their children because the world is a scarier place than it used to be.  Leaving children to play outdoors unsupervised is not an option for most families, so we keep them under our constant guard.  Children believe that they are special and that mom and dad will take care of all their needs.  But the job of parenting is to raise our children to be independent.  We need to guide them to make smart decisions and then to be accountable for their decisions.  It's important to learn to follow rules and protocols in order to be a responsible citizen.  We can't fix all of our children's problems, and we actually cause more harm than good by trying to do so.

No one wants a spoiled, coddled child.  How can we reasonably protect our children  without sheltering them in a gilded bubble?   How can we advocate for their best interests while teaching them to take care of themselves?   There is a terrific parenting book that addresses this problem.   It's called The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, by Wendy Mogel, PhD, and was a cult favorite several years ago. It is a wonderful resource for raising resilient, self-reliant children.  The author basically promotes the idea that falling down, scraping a knee, making mistakes, even getting hurt, are all healthy steps on the road to growing up.  We want our children to learn to grow from their mistakes, not to avoid them.

A focused greeting can offset a sense of entitlement by forcing a child to acknowledge the presence of other people.  It can take her out of her own head for a minute and  demonstrate respect.  When I was a little girl, my parents would coach my siblings and me before every visit to friends and family.  We had to kiss every adult in the room hello, and then again when it was time to say good-bye.  We were not allowed to call any adult by their first name.  We were taught to look behind us as we went through a door, so that we could hold it open for anyone who might be following.  We learned to wait on lines and to only talk to people when they were in the same room as us.  We were expected to clean up our own mess, wherever we were.

These lessons work equally well today.  When we held kindergarten orientation programs in my former school, I included a bus orientation.  I taught the children to line up to enter the bus and to say "hello" to the bus driver.  I reviewed all the procedures that would keep them safe, then taught them to say  "thank you" to the bus driver as they exited. People who serve us, such as bus drivers, waiters, gas station attendants, etc., should not be made to feel invisible.  They are doing us a favor (yes, even though they're getting paid to do so).   Acknowledging them and the nice things they do for us shows respect and gratitude. 

 There are a couple of things on the educational horizon that I believe will cause the downfall of the Age of Entitlement.  One is the new approach to teaching called 'growth mindset'.  In a fixed mindset, a person's abilities, intelligence, and talents are considered fixed traits that cannot be changed.  Growth mindset proposes that everyone can develop their intellect, talents and abilities through effort and persistence.  In terms of entitlement, a child with a fixed mindset is more concerned with grades than learning.  If she does poorly on an assignment, she might fight the teacher for a better grade.  On the other hand, a child with a growth mindset will be curious about her mistakes, embrace the chance to try again, and continue learning.  Teaching a growth mindset holds exciting prospects for the field of education and the potential for authentic, life-long learning.

Another trend in education today is the emphasis on projects and collaborative group work.  In the high school where I taught Spanish, many teachers assigned projects to their classes in lieu of unit tests.  For example, in one of my Spanish classes, we learned vocabulary related to homes.  I assigned a project on Antoni Gaudi, a famous Spanish architect.  The students worked in small groups to research his biography and one of his buildings.  They used this information to compose a multi-media presentation, in which one student played the role of a real estate agent, and two others were a couple looking for a residence with specific amenities.  In order to complete this project, students needed to employ a range of skills, including research, organization, writing, video and computer skills, oral language, and role play.  Projects like this require sophisticated social skills, as each student works with her team to include, modify, and build upon everyone's ideas.  Students were graded according to a rubric that addressed  individual contributions and evidence of learning as well as the quality of the end result.  This sort of assignment is a more accurate assessment of a student's learning, and better reflects the skill sets needed in today's work environments . 

Entitlement is not a pretty word.  No one is perfect.  Life is not perfect.  Let's not set our children up for unrealistic expectations.  We can teach them to try again, work harder,  take pride in their efforts and welcome challenges. We can help them to acknowledge the people they meet throughout the day and to appreciate the role that each one plays in our lives.  They can view their peers as collaborators instead of competitors, and come to know the  profound  joy of true learning.

Tots and Teens

Two age groups are notoriously difficult for both parents and kids: 
toddlers, also known as "the terrible two's"; and teenagers.  I believe there are many similarities between these ages and stages of child development.  I've never seen any research on these similarities, but as Freud once said, "As any nursemaid knows...".  Interestingly, I began my career in early childhood education as a toddler teacher. My last job before retirement was teaching high school Spanish.  When asked how I managed the transition from early childhood to high school, I quipped that the two age groups were a lot alike.

Toddlers and teens are both struggling to find their identities as independent beings.  Toddlers are looking for physical independence from their parents, while teens are seeking emotional independence.  Both groups are very sensitive to the demands of authority.  They feel a strong need to to make their own decisions and to do things on their own.  Neither is completely ready for the independence they crave however, and if left unchecked, their experimental trials in going their own way can be dangerous.  Life with a toddler or a teen can be pretty challenging.

Parents often complain that a toddler's favorite word is "no".  "I do myself".  He's outgrown  the stage of dependence on mom or dad for all of his physical needs.  He can now walk, use language, and feed himself.  He's incredibly proud of his growth.  The worst insult for a toddler is to be called a baby.  "I not a baby, I a big boy". Toddlers crave affirmation of their big-boy status, and are eager to prove themselves and take on more grown-up activities.  This is fine in some areas, such as choosing a breakfast cereal or putting on socks.  But there are many things a toddler is not yet equipped to manage, such as handling a knife or picking up his baby brother.  He struggles with conflicting emotions, knowing on one level that he still needs mom, but feeling a strong drive to pull away from her.  It's not uncommon for these emotions to erupt into tantrums when he doesn't get his way.

A teenager's drive for independence will look a bit different.  Suddenly, the parent that was idealized in early childhood is old fashioned and a cause of embarrassment.  She will roll her eyes every time mom speaks.  Her favorite word is "whatever".  She is way more interested in her friends' opinions and eager to fit in with the group.  Her changing body and growing capacity for abstract and critical thinking give her cause to believe that she is ready for grown-up life and decisions.  This may be true in choosing an after-school activity or shopping for clothing.  However, she may not be prepared to separate from her peers if they engage in risky or dangerous behaviors.  I suppose that's one difference between teens and toddlers:  bigger kids, bigger problems.

A good strategy for both toddlers and teens is to look for opportunities that allow them to practice their independence.  For a toddler, that may mean keeping juice in a small pitcher that he can pour himself or teaching him the "slip and flip" trick for putting on his jacket.  For a teen, you might permit her to take public transportation or attend a concert with her friends. For both, we can offer choices.  An either/or choice is best suited for a two year old. (Do you want to eat the fruit now or bring it in the car?) A teen should be able to choose her own style of clothing, as long as each piece fits your bottom-line view of what's appropriate.  In general, parents should be prepared to choose their battles.  That means say "yes" as often as possible, and save "no" for when you have really good reasons. With teens, don't fall for the common complaint about what everyone else is allowed to do.  We are responsible for our own children, not someone else's.

Another important strategy for both tots and teens is to keep close tabs on their whereabouts.  A toddler can never be left unsupervised,  should always have something to do.  Wait times can bring trouble. Be prepared with a toy or snack to keep your little one busy.  With both toddlers and teens, if we don't make sure they are busy with healthy activities, they will get busy with unhealthy ones.  For a teen, it's very important to always know where and with whom she's spending her time and when she's expected home.  Knowing our child's friends prepares us to understand what's happening in her life and to provide guidance as needed.  

A parent's priority is always our children's safety.  We need to be mindful of what they  are exposed to. Toddlers can be hurt and confused by scary news broadcasts or, cursing fighting adults.  They are keenly aware of everything that is said around them, and can suffer emotionally, even if they are not yet able to articulate it.  Even more difficult to control is our children's exposure to harmful elements in technology. Protecting our children from inappropriate language, violence, sexual content and predators is excruciatingly difficult.  Parents need to set ground rules with their teens and put safeguards on their devices. Toddlers should be allowed minimal, if any, screen time.  Toddlers are in a stage of rapid development.  They need real life experiences, and are held back by any type of screen.

The most important role of a parent in raising her children through these challenging years is to be emotionally available.  The emotional ups and downs of our toddlers and teens can be stressful for them.   We need to be watchful of any signs of distress and try to help our children share their feelings.  My natural reaction, when one of my children seemed to be struggling, was to pull her closer.  Spend more time with her.  Speak and behave more positively.  Make it clear that I would always be there, always love her, always take care of her.  Life is not easy at any age, but trials become more bearable when we know that we are not alone.

Discipline: Key to Maturity

Does anyone use the word discipline anymore?  It seems to have fallen into the "politically incorrect" category; words we shouldn't say because they're offensive.  Discipline has become equated with punishment, and we don't talk about punishment.  The word punishment is harsh. It's too close to "abuse".  Modern psychology teaches us to treat children kindly, with respect and empathy.  We use positive language and methods to shape behavior, not punishment.  But confusing discipline with punishment is hurting our children.   Discipline means training.  Disciplining children is the act of setting appropriate limits so that they learn to develop self-control.  It's about raising our children to be responsible adults.  

Participating in a civilized society means accepting the limits imposed by a governing body.  We have a system of laws in our country, states, and cities.  We follow codes of conduct prescribed by our workplaces and schools.  We agree to terms and conditions before joining clubs and online sites.  As a microcosm of society, the limits set at home by parents predict a child's development as a capable, responsible citizen.

Though it may seem counter intuitive, living and working within established limits is actually liberating.  Only when we know the do's and don'ts are we capable of making a choice. If there are no rules, there are no ethical decisions.  That's not freedom, it's licentiousness:  unrestrained behavior; every man for himself.  On the other hand, behavioral guidelines give us the power to make our own choices and most importantly, to live with the consequences of those choices.  

Any set of limits is accompanied by consequences.  We know in advance the consequences to expect from breaking a rule . For example, if a driver speeds, he knows that he is liable to get a ticket.  If we come to work drunk and curse out our co-workers, we won't be surprised to get fired.  These are not punishments, they are consequences. The same should apply at home.  If a child uses her markers to draw on a wall, she is showing that she is not yet ready to play independently with markers.  It's fair to take them away and only allow her to use them with supervision.  A child who pops a water balloon in the house will have to mop up the mess. As children navigate the limits at home and school, they become aware of the consequences of their choices.  They learn to internalize limits and control their behavior.

I recently went to a lecture where the speaker described an example of discipline.  A young child climbed on the kitchen table and threw a glass on the floor.  His mother came into the kitchen, gave him a quick spank, and swept up the glass.  The next day, a chicken jumped on the kitchen table and knocked down a glass.  The little boy was delighted.  He couldn't wait to see the chicken get spanked.  But when the mother came in the kitchen, she simply shooed the chicken away and swept up the glass.  "Why didn't you spank the chicken?", he asked.  A chicken is just a chicken.  A boy can learn to be better.

Limits and their consequences are set by parents, and vary widely from home to home.  To be most effective, limits should be reasonable.  Each rule should have a clear, logical purpose.  For example, we limit the amount of candy our children can eat because they need healthy food to grow.  We don't let them handle fire or machinery because it's dangerous.  We set an early bedtime because sleep is essential to their well-being.   Before deciding to impose a rule or limit, it is important to ensure that it aligns with our values and goals in raising our children.  Too many, unreasonable restrictions can be harsh and cause  children to rebel and  lie.  On the other hand, parents who don't set limits risk raising selfish, rude young people.  Our goal is to find a balance.  To insist on behaviors that lead to a healthy mind, body, and spirit. 

As parents, we have the monumental job of raising a new generation. We love our children more than anything in the world.  But they are not our equals.  They are not our friends. They are our responsibility. They have been entrusted to us.  Children need us to create an environment with healthy limits and consequences so that they can grow to be principled, self-disciplined adults. Self-control is the mark of maturity.  What better gift can we give the world?

All You Need Is Love:

When I was pregnant with my first child, I worried about the future life of the little person within me.  Who would this child be?  How and where would she make her life?  Thoughts about the responsibilities of raising her washed over me like a giant wave of fear and awe.  I relied on one of my mother's many pithy remarks (my kids and I now call them "Nani-isms"):  "All you have to do is love your child".

Well now, what parent doesn't love his/her child?  That seemed easy enough.  And in hindsight, I actually think my mother was right for once.  What I needed to learn was the physical practice of love.  What does it look like to love your child?  How does that love inform your actions and decisions?

Love is a warm and cozy feeling.  It's hugs and kisses and smiles.  It's looking at your child with an insatiable hunger for every part of him/her.  It's giving, giving, giving, no matter what you have, need, or want, to keep your child happy, well-fed, and safe.  That's the easy part of love. 

The hard part doesn't feel so great.  It hurts to hear our child cry.  We hurt when our children hurt.  But love means that sometimes they have to cry.  We can't let them eat candy for dinner, for example, or run and play on a busy street.  Young children don't understand what's best for them, and they protest when we say "No".  No, you can't stay up late, you can't use my phone without permission, you can't use markers on the walls.....

Sometimes "no" is the first word a child learns.  But that's not a bad thing.  Parental love is double-sided. On one side is the warm, cozy, good-feeling stuff, and on the other side is "No".  Look at the 10 Commandments:  half are things we can do, and half are things we can't.  Setting up rules is a sign of love, of caring.  We feel safe knowing the limits.  

Years ago, it was considered prudent to spank children.  "Spare the rod and spoil the child".  I like to think of the rod as the one a shepherd uses to keep his sheep together; to guide them, not beat them.  Think about the well-known Psalm 23: "Your rod and your staff comfort me."  Your rod keeps me in line, prevents me from straying from what is best for me.  Your staff shows me where you are; I know you're there to keep me safe.

Learning when to say yes and when to say no is probably the hardest part of parenting.  When do I hold on to my child, when is it okay to let him go?  We have to think hard about the outcome of every decision we make, big or small, and make sure it aligns with what we know in our heart is best for our children.  Then we can bask in our children's smiles or rest easy knowing that their present tears are necessary for their own well-being.  Awesome, awesome work. 

Being Grandma: Leaving Discipline to Parents

    

The joys of grandparenthood are well known.  Don't all grandparents love to brag about their grandchildren, and share photos and anecdotes, even after their audience has lost interest?  There really is a special joy that comes from having young children in your family, that you neither bear nor raise.  You get to spoil and enjoy them without the burdens of 24/7 care and responsibility. The experience of having raised your own children also gives you a more relaxed perspective that can only come from truly seeing the big picture of growth and development.

Being a grandparent can be more challenging when you actually live with your children and grandchildren, as in an extended visit, for example.  Then you are present for the daily realities of tired, cranky, hungry, demanding, ornery, rude, tantruming, annoying, fighting beings that even the most delicious grandchildren can become!  And now, because you're not the parent, you walk a fine line.  Sometimes you can help in positive ways.  You can feed a hungry child, or read a book and cuddle with a tired child.  But you cannot discipline a child in the presence of his/her parents.  And often, you will disagree with your children's methods (of lack thereof) of discipline.

I've crossed that line more than once, and have always regretted it.  My grandchildren feel hurt; I'm supposed to adore them unconditionally, not find fault with them!  And my children feel hurt; mom is judging them unfavorably in raising their children, which is the most vital and heart-wrenching job of a lifetime!  

So, I am learning to take a breath, look the other way and, unless the issue is very serious, only give advice when I'm asked.