Bless Your Children

Every child is a blessing.  When a child enters our life, we are changed forever.  Our hearts swell with a love so deep and pure that it cannot be described, only felt.   We put our children before ourselves;  our needs become secondary.   We become better people, more patient, generous, kind and strong, because we want to be the best we can be for them, to model the kind of person we want them to grow to be. Children let us touch the future.  They are our connection to immortality.

When we are blessed with children, we become partners in parenting with G-d, everyone's Father.  We look to Him for guidance in the awesome responsibility and privilege of nurturing a soul. Even those of us who don't believe in G-d recognize that every life is a miracle. All parents harbor hopes for their children's well-being.  Those hopes may be directed at life in general or the universe at large, but to me they express a spiritual association.

There's a beautiful Jewish custom to bless our children every Friday night, just as we begin Shabbat.  Typically, the father places his hands on each child's head and recites a prescribed blessing, one for girls and one for boys.  This blessing pleads with G-d to bless the child and watch over him or her, in the same way that we ourselves hope to nurture and watch over our children.  The Hebrew word for blessing is bracha, which implies multiplicity.  As parents, our job is to build our children up, to increase their strengths and help them grow physically, mentally, and emotionally.   At the same time, we try to protect our children, to keep them away from harm.  We discipline them with limits so that they can grow safely and healthfully.  

Blessing our children can take many forms, and does not need to be a ritual to be effective.  Our intention is to communicate love for our children and faith that they have what they need to blossom and thrive in this world.  It's important for children to know that they are beloved and protected by both parents and G-d.  My maternal grandfather, Salvatore Bonanno, was a deeply religious man.  He converted from Catholicism to the Pentacostal religion after my mother and her brothers were grown.  He became a deacon of his church, gave lots of charity, and prayed several times a day.  One day he was sitting in a chair and called me over to him.  He put his arm around me and In his broken English he asked, "Georgia, who is more important, your father on earth or your Father in heaven?".  I had been attending catechism classes; plus I knew my grandfather very well, so of course I answered, "My Father in heaven".  He was very pleased with me and made me feel that I was blessed; that I was completely surrounded by love and protection.  

Our children are not ours to keep (as hard as that is!).  While they are still in our care, we can treasure the blessings they bring us and in turn, make sure they feel blessed as well.

Telephone Free-For-All

How many times has this happened to you: your kids are playing quietly in another room, getting along nicely while you're attending to some chore, maybe washing dishes or checking emails.  Then the phone rings.  It's a good friend and you start to chat.   Two minutes into your conversation all hell breaks loose.  Your son jumps from the sofa and bangs his head on the coffee table.  Or he's suddenly ravenous, and nothing in the refrigerator will do.  Or he decides that this is a good time to tackle his little brother.  And you think, "Really?  They were so quiet a minute ago!".

You probably have also experienced the other side of the call.  You call your friend, and she's so happy to hear from you.  Then every thirty seconds she interrupts to talk to her kids, "What do you want?"; "Not now"; or "OMG I'll call you back!".

I call this phenomena "telephone free-for-all".  Kids who were perfectly content without your attention will suddenly act up to get it once you try to engage in a conversation with someone else.  And it only happens with conversations, not texting or emailing.  And it even happens with infants!  Have you ever noticed how a baby will stop nursing or drinking her bottle if you try to carry on a conversation with someone?  She looks around to see who you're talking to and only goes back when you stop talking.  What's going on?

Years ago, as mothers began to work full time outside the home, many of us worried about the effects of leaving babies and young children in daycare.  After awhile, the whole question of home vs. daycare became moot, because two paychecks and daycare for young children became a necessity for most families.  So the arguments evolved into defining principles of high quality care for these little ones.  A new child development theory emerged called "quality time".  I believe psychologists developed this theory in an effort to assuage any guilt feelings that mothers may have had for leaving their babies in someone else's care.  Quality time assured parents that the number of hours a day they spent with their children was irrelevant; that ten or fifteen minutes of focused, individualized attention were more important than being at home all day, where mom would spend most of her time attending to chores anyway.  My own theory of telephone free-for-all debunks the myth of "quality time".

Telephone free-for-all teaches me that children feel comfortable and secure just knowing that mom is nearby.  As long as she's not engaging with someone else, children get the sense that she is available to them.  Conversation, communication are the means of connecting with others.  It seems to me that on some level, children must feel excluded when their mother is connecting with someone else.  That connection takes her away, even temporarily, and along with her goes their sense of comfort and security.    Mom is the most important person in the world to a child, and the child wants to feel that he is the most important person in the world to mom. Always.

Spending quality time with our children is extremely valuable, whether we stay at home or work full time.  But it doesn't take the place of mom's presence.  Children feel safe when we're near them.  We don't need to do or be anything special.  They love us and need us just the way we are.

Parent Teacher Conferences: Making Them Work

The home-school connection is a vital component of education.    When school and home share the same philosophy and approach to learning, children thrive.  Parents and teachers become partners. They work in tandem for the benefit of the children. By  communicating openly with each other, they enable seamless guidance and support for the child in both environments.   The key ingredient to making it all work?  Trust. 

Developing trust takes time.  Teachers gain parents' trust when they reach out at the beginning of the year to introduce themselves, to let parents know how their children are adjusting to the new school year, to share information about their availability for calls or emails.  They can write newsletters or blogs to keep parents up to date on class happenings and upcoming events.  They can share photos and anecdotes with parents, giving a peek into their child's school experiences.  They take the time to get to know the child, and find ways to communicate that to parents.

Parents  gain teachers' trust when they respond to requests for supplies or information; when they make sure their child comes to school on time, well rested and well fed; when they let the teacher know of any extenuating circumstances at home that may affect the child's behavior in school; when they keep a sick child at home.  A parent who demonstrates respect for school rules and culture is the ideal partner in a child's education.

Parent Teacher Conferences are brief meetings at which teachers  share their observations of a child's performance in class, and parents  give feedback about how they see their child responding to the learning program.  Teachers can show work samples and discuss ways in which the child relates to classmates and activities.  Parents may have questions about areas of specific interest to their child.  The teacher is an expert in working with groups of children; the parent is an expert in his own child.   Both have valuable information that can facilitate the child's healthy development.

Any behavioral or academic concerns ought to be addressed prior to the Parent Teacher Conference.  If the teacher notices that a student struggles to complete tasks, for example, the first thing she does is keep a log of her observations, to try to find a pattern.  Does he finish some tasks but not others?  Are there distractions?  Is the work too easy? Too hard?  Once she identifies a pattern, she can take steps to remediate.  She contacts the parent to  explain her concerns, her observations, and the steps she is taking to help.  She can ask for reinforcement at home, and/or find out if the parents have a better strategy.  

Behavioral issues are often more difficult to address.  Parents are naturally very protective of their children, and may be quick to blame the school for any reported behavior problems.  This is where trust becomes critical.  If a parent trusts that the teacher understands and appreciates his child; if the teacher communicates her concerns through a lens of caring and is using positive strategies to address the child's behaviors, the parent and teacher are more likely to work together in the child's best interests.  Naming a problem is not enough.  Placing blame is not enough.  The goal is to understand the child's individual needs and temperament, and to find ways to accommodate those needs and that temperament within the classroom.  It's hard work, and  requires teachers and parents to pool their knowledge and plan accordingly.

There are no surprises at Parent Teacher Conferences.  Any issues have been discussed beforehand.  At these meetings, teachers and parents can share their pride in a child's achievements. Parents get a little window into their child's life away from them. Teachers and parents share snippets of the child's personality in action.  And they marvel at the amazing privilege of` having a hand in the growth and development of a precious child.

All You Need Is Love:

When I was pregnant with my first child, I worried about the future life of the little person within me.  Who would this child be?  How and where would she make her life?  Thoughts about the responsibilities of raising her washed over me like a giant wave of fear and awe.  I relied on one of my mother's many pithy remarks (my kids and I now call them "Nani-isms"):  "All you have to do is love your child".

Well now, what parent doesn't love his/her child?  That seemed easy enough.  And in hindsight, I actually think my mother was right for once.  What I needed to learn was the physical practice of love.  What does it look like to love your child?  How does that love inform your actions and decisions?

Love is a warm and cozy feeling.  It's hugs and kisses and smiles.  It's looking at your child with an insatiable hunger for every part of him/her.  It's giving, giving, giving, no matter what you have, need, or want, to keep your child happy, well-fed, and safe.  That's the easy part of love. 

The hard part doesn't feel so great.  It hurts to hear our child cry.  We hurt when our children hurt.  But love means that sometimes they have to cry.  We can't let them eat candy for dinner, for example, or run and play on a busy street.  Young children don't understand what's best for them, and they protest when we say "No".  No, you can't stay up late, you can't use my phone without permission, you can't use markers on the walls.....

Sometimes "no" is the first word a child learns.  But that's not a bad thing.  Parental love is double-sided. On one side is the warm, cozy, good-feeling stuff, and on the other side is "No".  Look at the 10 Commandments:  half are things we can do, and half are things we can't.  Setting up rules is a sign of love, of caring.  We feel safe knowing the limits.  

Years ago, it was considered prudent to spank children.  "Spare the rod and spoil the child".  I like to think of the rod as the one a shepherd uses to keep his sheep together; to guide them, not beat them.  Think about the well-known Psalm 23: "Your rod and your staff comfort me."  Your rod keeps me in line, prevents me from straying from what is best for me.  Your staff shows me where you are; I know you're there to keep me safe.

Learning when to say yes and when to say no is probably the hardest part of parenting.  When do I hold on to my child, when is it okay to let him go?  We have to think hard about the outcome of every decision we make, big or small, and make sure it aligns with what we know in our heart is best for our children.  Then we can bask in our children's smiles or rest easy knowing that their present tears are necessary for their own well-being.  Awesome, awesome work. 

Being Grandma: Leaving Discipline to Parents

    

The joys of grandparenthood are well known.  Don't all grandparents love to brag about their grandchildren, and share photos and anecdotes, even after their audience has lost interest?  There really is a special joy that comes from having young children in your family, that you neither bear nor raise.  You get to spoil and enjoy them without the burdens of 24/7 care and responsibility. The experience of having raised your own children also gives you a more relaxed perspective that can only come from truly seeing the big picture of growth and development.

Being a grandparent can be more challenging when you actually live with your children and grandchildren, as in an extended visit, for example.  Then you are present for the daily realities of tired, cranky, hungry, demanding, ornery, rude, tantruming, annoying, fighting beings that even the most delicious grandchildren can become!  And now, because you're not the parent, you walk a fine line.  Sometimes you can help in positive ways.  You can feed a hungry child, or read a book and cuddle with a tired child.  But you cannot discipline a child in the presence of his/her parents.  And often, you will disagree with your children's methods (of lack thereof) of discipline.

I've crossed that line more than once, and have always regretted it.  My grandchildren feel hurt; I'm supposed to adore them unconditionally, not find fault with them!  And my children feel hurt; mom is judging them unfavorably in raising their children, which is the most vital and heart-wrenching job of a lifetime!  

So, I am learning to take a breath, look the other way and, unless the issue is very serious, only give advice when I'm asked.