Bless Your Children

Every child is a blessing.  When a child enters our life, we are changed forever.  Our hearts swell with a love so deep and pure that it cannot be described, only felt.   We put our children before ourselves;  our needs become secondary.   We become better people, more patient, generous, kind and strong, because we want to be the best we can be for them, to model the kind of person we want them to grow to be. Children let us touch the future.  They are our connection to immortality.

When we are blessed with children, we become partners in parenting with G-d, everyone's Father.  We look to Him for guidance in the awesome responsibility and privilege of nurturing a soul. Even those of us who don't believe in G-d recognize that every life is a miracle. All parents harbor hopes for their children's well-being.  Those hopes may be directed at life in general or the universe at large, but to me they express a spiritual association.

There's a beautiful Jewish custom to bless our children every Friday night, just as we begin Shabbat.  Typically, the father places his hands on each child's head and recites a prescribed blessing, one for girls and one for boys.  This blessing pleads with G-d to bless the child and watch over him or her, in the same way that we ourselves hope to nurture and watch over our children.  The Hebrew word for blessing is bracha, which implies multiplicity.  As parents, our job is to build our children up, to increase their strengths and help them grow physically, mentally, and emotionally.   At the same time, we try to protect our children, to keep them away from harm.  We discipline them with limits so that they can grow safely and healthfully.  

Blessing our children can take many forms, and does not need to be a ritual to be effective.  Our intention is to communicate love for our children and faith that they have what they need to blossom and thrive in this world.  It's important for children to know that they are beloved and protected by both parents and G-d.  My maternal grandfather, Salvatore Bonanno, was a deeply religious man.  He converted from Catholicism to the Pentacostal religion after my mother and her brothers were grown.  He became a deacon of his church, gave lots of charity, and prayed several times a day.  One day he was sitting in a chair and called me over to him.  He put his arm around me and In his broken English he asked, "Georgia, who is more important, your father on earth or your Father in heaven?".  I had been attending catechism classes; plus I knew my grandfather very well, so of course I answered, "My Father in heaven".  He was very pleased with me and made me feel that I was blessed; that I was completely surrounded by love and protection.  

Our children are not ours to keep (as hard as that is!).  While they are still in our care, we can treasure the blessings they bring us and in turn, make sure they feel blessed as well.

Music

I always have a song in my head.  Sometimes it's annoying because I can't get rid of it, but mostly I'm used to it.  Anything I see or hear can trigger a song.  For example, the other day my grand-kids were playing with play-doh, and my three year old asked his brother for the "roller" (rolling pin).  Immediately, Jim Morrison started singing in my head, "You gotta roll, roll, roll, you gotta thrill my soul, all right."  Years ago, I woke up with a song in my head that I didn't recognize.  It was a Friday morning, and I was facing an extremely busy, hectic day.  After awhile, I stopped whatever I was doing to listen to my own head and try to identify the tune.  It was the theme song from "Mission Impossible"!!

Music is a universal language that connects us to the world physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I read somewhere that the reason music affects us physically is because we subconsciously relate it to the natural rhythms of our body:  our heartbeat, our breath, and our walking patterns.  Music can give us goose bumps, calm us, or literally get us on our feet.   It changes our moods and emotions.  It speaks to something deep within us.  I've relied on music to help me through some of the toughest times in my life.  The greatest support for my young, broken heart was Eric Clapton's "Bell Bottom Blues".  I listened to it almost constantly for weeks.  When I lost my family daycare business years later, I played the Grateful Dead's "Touch of Gray" over and over to give me strength.  After my sister died, I turned to Eitan Katz's "Gam Ki Eilech", playing it for months.  In fact, I sang Neshama Carlebach’s versión to her at her deathbed and later at her funeral.  

Music is a spiritual connector.  King David served G-d with music, and Jews continue to use many traditional tunes in prayers.  Gospel music and hymns are part of church services, and Christmas carols are an intrinsic part of the holiday.   Music stirs our souls and focuses us on our intentions during prayer.  It inspires us to something greater than ourselves.  Think about national anthems and how they can stir our feelings of patriotism.

They say that music makes children smart, and I believe that is true.  Calming music, like many classical pieces, causes our bodies to relax, making it easier for our minds  to concentrate.  Playing soft background music in class during independent or small group work time can set a calm and productive environment for learning.  And using music or rhythmic chants as teaching tools will practically guarantee sustained learning.  Our minds naturally look for order and patterns to make sense of the world around us, and these are plentiful in music.  To this day, I only know how many months are in a year if I recite a poem that I learned in elementary school (30 days hath September...).  And how about the spelling rule, "i before e....".  

Music is an incredible memory aid.  Certain songs have the power to bring us back to specific times in our lives.  Don't you remember the songs of your childhood?  Do you still know the words to your favorite songs?  What we learn through music stays with us. Interestingly, studies have shown the amazing effects that music can have on Alzheimers patients.  When these patients hear music that is personally meaningful to them, it taps into their deep memories.  At these times, they feel like themselves again, can converse, and stay present.   

Music is thought to be a "soft" subject and is often quick to be cut in schools where funding is low.  But since the beginning of time, music has been an essential part of our human experience.  It's rhythms, patterns, and harmonies are closely correlated to mathematics, and make learning more accessible.  Music improves listening skills, attention skills and memory.  It  brings us peace and connects our inner selves to a higher power.  Play your favorite music often, and make sure to share it with your children.

Hello Sunshine

Before taking my first job as Early Childhood Center Director, I underwent several interviews.  One school leader, whom I deeply respected, asked a question that threw me for a loop.  He said, "How do you say good morning to children?".  Huh?  How many ways are there to say "good morning"?  What did he really want to know?  

To prepare for this new position, I spent a day observing the center in action.  I was present when the children began arriving, and suddenly understood the meaning of that nebulous question.  Two boys walked through the door chatting, laughing, and gently pushing each other.  A teacher reprimanded them to stop that behavior and take their places on the floor, where they waited for their teachers to bring them to their classrooms. Ouch.  No one said "good morning" to those boys.  Their introduction to the new school day was a negative encounter with an impatient teacher.  They had to wait as a group, with nothing to do, before they could even enter their classrooms.  My heart sank.  

The way we greet children matters a lot and sets the tone for the rest of the day.  Every child deserves a warm, individual greeting at the classroom door.  Eye contact, a big smile and a brief, personal comment make our students feel welcome and special.  "Hi, Marcy, that's such a pretty bow in your hair.  Is it new?".  Marcy will feel noticed and appreciated.  Being the teacher's center of attention for a minute builds her confidence and energizes her to tackle the day's activities.  The teacher has established a personal connection that will motivate that student to participate and follow class rules.  That's a lot of value for a couple of minutes worth of pleasantries.

The same is true at home.  Whether welcoming our children at our door or at car pool, a smile and a hug show them how much they mean to us. That moment of focused attention is powerful, non-verbal language that says, "I love you, I missed you, you're important to me." .  Do your eyes light up when your child returns to you?  That's emotional gold to little egos.

Treating other people with respect and dignity is a basic human obligation.  Greeting each person we meet with a friendly smile is an expression of this obligation.  There is a famous verse in Ethics of Our Fathers, a Jewish text on ethical behavior and interpersonal relationships, that teaches: "Receive every person with a cheerful face".  A smile is an uplifting action that can profoundly impact another person.  I remember my surprise when I read something that a boy I hardly new wrote in my high school year book, "The smiles you gave me when you walked past me in the hall I won't forget".  I had no idea that I had made such an impression on him.  I learned that a smile is a gift.  It is an expression of love from one human being to another.  It says, "I see you. I recognize you.  We're connected by our humanity.".

Another benefit of greeting people warmly is that it helps us to accomplish our goals.  We all enjoy the company of positive, upbeat people, and are more willing to hear them out, more comfortable to work with them. Positive feelings give us energy, motivation, and confidence.  Smiles are contagious.  Even on the phone, people can relate to the tone of our voice.  When I recorded a voice greeting for my phone at the early childhood center, I always smiled  while I spoke.  I believed that smile could be heard.  It communicated non-verbally that my school was a warm, positive, welcoming place.

Quick smiles don't come naturally to all of us, but they are easy to learn.  If we consciously put a smile on our face each time we make eye contact, even with a stranger, it will eventually become a habit. Motor memory.  And a default smile will in turn help us and those around us feel more positively.  Spread some sunshine in our world.  Smile!

Tots and Teens

Two age groups are notoriously difficult for both parents and kids: 
toddlers, also known as "the terrible two's"; and teenagers.  I believe there are many similarities between these ages and stages of child development.  I've never seen any research on these similarities, but as Freud once said, "As any nursemaid knows...".  Interestingly, I began my career in early childhood education as a toddler teacher. My last job before retirement was teaching high school Spanish.  When asked how I managed the transition from early childhood to high school, I quipped that the two age groups were a lot alike.

Toddlers and teens are both struggling to find their identities as independent beings.  Toddlers are looking for physical independence from their parents, while teens are seeking emotional independence.  Both groups are very sensitive to the demands of authority.  They feel a strong need to to make their own decisions and to do things on their own.  Neither is completely ready for the independence they crave however, and if left unchecked, their experimental trials in going their own way can be dangerous.  Life with a toddler or a teen can be pretty challenging.

Parents often complain that a toddler's favorite word is "no".  "I do myself".  He's outgrown  the stage of dependence on mom or dad for all of his physical needs.  He can now walk, use language, and feed himself.  He's incredibly proud of his growth.  The worst insult for a toddler is to be called a baby.  "I not a baby, I a big boy". Toddlers crave affirmation of their big-boy status, and are eager to prove themselves and take on more grown-up activities.  This is fine in some areas, such as choosing a breakfast cereal or putting on socks.  But there are many things a toddler is not yet equipped to manage, such as handling a knife or picking up his baby brother.  He struggles with conflicting emotions, knowing on one level that he still needs mom, but feeling a strong drive to pull away from her.  It's not uncommon for these emotions to erupt into tantrums when he doesn't get his way.

A teenager's drive for independence will look a bit different.  Suddenly, the parent that was idealized in early childhood is old fashioned and a cause of embarrassment.  She will roll her eyes every time mom speaks.  Her favorite word is "whatever".  She is way more interested in her friends' opinions and eager to fit in with the group.  Her changing body and growing capacity for abstract and critical thinking give her cause to believe that she is ready for grown-up life and decisions.  This may be true in choosing an after-school activity or shopping for clothing.  However, she may not be prepared to separate from her peers if they engage in risky or dangerous behaviors.  I suppose that's one difference between teens and toddlers:  bigger kids, bigger problems.

A good strategy for both toddlers and teens is to look for opportunities that allow them to practice their independence.  For a toddler, that may mean keeping juice in a small pitcher that he can pour himself or teaching him the "slip and flip" trick for putting on his jacket.  For a teen, you might permit her to take public transportation or attend a concert with her friends. For both, we can offer choices.  An either/or choice is best suited for a two year old. (Do you want to eat the fruit now or bring it in the car?) A teen should be able to choose her own style of clothing, as long as each piece fits your bottom-line view of what's appropriate.  In general, parents should be prepared to choose their battles.  That means say "yes" as often as possible, and save "no" for when you have really good reasons. With teens, don't fall for the common complaint about what everyone else is allowed to do.  We are responsible for our own children, not someone else's.

Another important strategy for both tots and teens is to keep close tabs on their whereabouts.  A toddler can never be left unsupervised,  should always have something to do.  Wait times can bring trouble. Be prepared with a toy or snack to keep your little one busy.  With both toddlers and teens, if we don't make sure they are busy with healthy activities, they will get busy with unhealthy ones.  For a teen, it's very important to always know where and with whom she's spending her time and when she's expected home.  Knowing our child's friends prepares us to understand what's happening in her life and to provide guidance as needed.  

A parent's priority is always our children's safety.  We need to be mindful of what they  are exposed to. Toddlers can be hurt and confused by scary news broadcasts or, cursing fighting adults.  They are keenly aware of everything that is said around them, and can suffer emotionally, even if they are not yet able to articulate it.  Even more difficult to control is our children's exposure to harmful elements in technology. Protecting our children from inappropriate language, violence, sexual content and predators is excruciatingly difficult.  Parents need to set ground rules with their teens and put safeguards on their devices. Toddlers should be allowed minimal, if any, screen time.  Toddlers are in a stage of rapid development.  They need real life experiences, and are held back by any type of screen.

The most important role of a parent in raising her children through these challenging years is to be emotionally available.  The emotional ups and downs of our toddlers and teens can be stressful for them.   We need to be watchful of any signs of distress and try to help our children share their feelings.  My natural reaction, when one of my children seemed to be struggling, was to pull her closer.  Spend more time with her.  Speak and behave more positively.  Make it clear that I would always be there, always love her, always take care of her.  Life is not easy at any age, but trials become more bearable when we know that we are not alone.

BOY POWER!

Equal rights for women has been an important cause for my generation. I remember my frustration after graduating college, when the first question at every job interview was about my typing skills. We've made progress in opening doors for girls, although there is still work to do.  As a young mother, I was convinced that sexism, restrictive attitudes toward genders, was a direct result of one's upbringing and environment. I was determined to raise my children fairly.  I wasn't aware of the innate, biological differences between boys and girls until I had my son.  After four daughters.  Then I began to wonder if, in a different way, we weren't also short-changing our boys.

A child's environment plays a huge role in how he or she is raised, but his/her own biological nature plays an equally powerful part.  The toy cars that had never been touched by my girls were played with incessantly by my son.  Before he could walk he would try to zoom them across the floor.  In fact, he was fascinated by anything that moved.  We couldn't take a car ride without him looking out the window with glee, "Car!  Truck! Plane!!".  My girls were very active, but my son took action to another level.  I was unprepared for his constant movement and physicality. It took me a while to understand that the value of movement and action is part of being male.   

As an early childhood educator I became increasingly concerned with our boys' school experiences.  Most early childhood and elementary schools are based on a feminine culture.  The teachers are predominantly women, and the curricular emphasis is on reading, writing, and verbal skills, all of which typically develop later in boys.  The structure of most classrooms requires children to spend chunks of time each day sitting still and being quiet.  This is incredibly difficult for boys, whose high activity levels and poor impulse control are problematic in a classroom. Boys are more frequently determined to have behavioral issues and are reprimanded for their actions.  Frequent reprimands and/or punishment take an awful emotional toll on a child.

Young boys are less emotionally mature than girls.  They feel deeply but have a harder time identifying emotions in themselves and others. They are often at a loss to express their feelings. Without a healthy outlet, bottled-up emotions can turn to anger, frustration, even  violence.  Boys need loving, supportive adults in their lives who can model the language of emotions. 

Boys are typically stronger in spatial abilities and are more task-oriented.  Given time and space, they can turn the block center into an impressive construction site. They are driven to action and have a greater need to feel in control. They strut and boast in an attempt to feel competent and empowered.  They love superheroes, such as Batman, Spiderman, Superman, etc. because they too want to be seen as big and powerful.  Boys are most successful on the playground, where they can work their large muscles and take risks. They are drawn to sports where physical skills are esteemed.

In the last school where I worked as Early Childhood Director, the teachers and I spent a year learning more about boys and incorporating more boy-friendly practices into our classrooms.  We felt validated to learn that everything that we already knew about boys was being discovered through important brain research . (Adults who work with young children every day for years and years get to know kids really well.)   We became more accepting of high levels of energy, and looked to provide safe spaces for them.  One brave teacher had a wrestling mat, and let the kids tumble around like little puppies.  Another teacher provided materials for the boys to make capes, and facilitated their superhero play.  We purposely planned more opportunities to learn through movement.  If any activity veered toward fighting or danger, the boys were engaged in reasonable dialogue, not punished or belittled. Including them in problem-solving appealed to their pride and masculinity, and strengthened their feelings of competence.

All children learn by observing the loving adults in their lives.  Emotionally healthy male role models are so important for our boys.  A young child can learn that there are many ways to be a man, many ways to be strong and brave.   We can inspire our boys with real-life stories about heroes such as Dr. Martin Luther King; we can praise male artists, authors, athletes, soldiers, clergymen.  We can encourage the men in our lives to be emotionally expressive around our boys.  Telling a boy you love him helps him develop an emotional vocabulary, enabling him to connect more deeply to others and avoid the pain and loneliness of unexpressed feelings.    

Naturally, there are examples of cross-overs between boy and girl behaviors.  There are quiet boys who prefer to sit and read, just as there are tough, active girls.  The differences between the sexes are general, but very real.  Let's be aware of those differences and honor our boys' natures, not expecting them to perform beyond their developmental level. Let's make our homes and schools boy friendly, celebrating their strengths and helping them grow to be happy, confident, emotionally healthy men.