What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

Last night, I watched "The Notebook", one of the most romantic movies ever.  A particular scene set off an "aha" moment for me.  Allie (Rachel McAdams) was engaged to be married to a handsome, wealthy man whom she loved.  But then she reignited a romance with her first true love (Ryan Gosling), a boy she had met during the summer she was 17 and hadn't seen or heard from in years.  In this scene, Allie and her fiancee were discussing her dilemma, trying to understand her feelings and make a choice.  She said, "It's like I'm one person with him, and another person with you."  

Children are authentic.  As children, we are our true selves .  Who we were before we graduated high school is who we are now.  Your childhood friends know you and understand you in a way that's hard to replicate with friends you meet as an adult.  And the bonds we forge with friends in our youth last forever.  Even after decades of not seeing each other, reconnecting with an old friend feels like picking up where we left off.  Old friends make us feel "at home", because they remind us of who we really are.

Before we graduate high school, we are "just kids".  We typically spend our days with a core group of friends.  We have few responsibilities beyond school work, chores at home, and maybe a part-time job.  After high school, we have to make decisions and choose what we want to do. And we come to be defined by the roles that result from those choices:  our jobs, our marital status, our religious and political affiliations, whether or not we have children.  But what I've come to understand is that these roles describe what we do, not who we are.  These choices we've made as adults inform how we spend our time.  I teach, I take care of my children, I advocate for human rights... .  And when we meet new people, these roles are the criteria we use to describe who we are.  But that's not who we are; that's just what we do.  Who we are goes much deeper, and is hard to articulate.  Most of us are at a loss to describe who we are; sometimes our friends know us better than we know ourselves.  Yet friendship takes time; it takes time to really know a person.  And time is a rare commodity for most adults.

 This idea sheds new light on the age old question we ask young children, "What do you want to be when you grow up?".  It's a fun question, hopefully giving insight to a child's interests and particular way of thinking.  But it's important to understand that a child is not becoming something.  A child already is.  As parents and teachers, our role in a child's upbringing is to study, appreciate, and support his authentic self.  Interestingly, just as old friends know us better than anyone else, I have found that as a teacher of young children, when my former students become adults, I know them better than most people, even if I haven't seen them in years. Because I knew them when they were "just kids"; just pure souls whose only role was to make their way through life.  So the real question behind "What do you want to be when you grow up?" is "Who are you?".  Let me know you now, so I can know you forever.

Tots and Teens

Two age groups are notoriously difficult for both parents and kids: 
toddlers, also known as "the terrible two's"; and teenagers.  I believe there are many similarities between these ages and stages of child development.  I've never seen any research on these similarities, but as Freud once said, "As any nursemaid knows...".  Interestingly, I began my career in early childhood education as a toddler teacher. My last job before retirement was teaching high school Spanish.  When asked how I managed the transition from early childhood to high school, I quipped that the two age groups were a lot alike.

Toddlers and teens are both struggling to find their identities as independent beings.  Toddlers are looking for physical independence from their parents, while teens are seeking emotional independence.  Both groups are very sensitive to the demands of authority.  They feel a strong need to to make their own decisions and to do things on their own.  Neither is completely ready for the independence they crave however, and if left unchecked, their experimental trials in going their own way can be dangerous.  Life with a toddler or a teen can be pretty challenging.

Parents often complain that a toddler's favorite word is "no".  "I do myself".  He's outgrown  the stage of dependence on mom or dad for all of his physical needs.  He can now walk, use language, and feed himself.  He's incredibly proud of his growth.  The worst insult for a toddler is to be called a baby.  "I not a baby, I a big boy". Toddlers crave affirmation of their big-boy status, and are eager to prove themselves and take on more grown-up activities.  This is fine in some areas, such as choosing a breakfast cereal or putting on socks.  But there are many things a toddler is not yet equipped to manage, such as handling a knife or picking up his baby brother.  He struggles with conflicting emotions, knowing on one level that he still needs mom, but feeling a strong drive to pull away from her.  It's not uncommon for these emotions to erupt into tantrums when he doesn't get his way.

A teenager's drive for independence will look a bit different.  Suddenly, the parent that was idealized in early childhood is old fashioned and a cause of embarrassment.  She will roll her eyes every time mom speaks.  Her favorite word is "whatever".  She is way more interested in her friends' opinions and eager to fit in with the group.  Her changing body and growing capacity for abstract and critical thinking give her cause to believe that she is ready for grown-up life and decisions.  This may be true in choosing an after-school activity or shopping for clothing.  However, she may not be prepared to separate from her peers if they engage in risky or dangerous behaviors.  I suppose that's one difference between teens and toddlers:  bigger kids, bigger problems.

A good strategy for both toddlers and teens is to look for opportunities that allow them to practice their independence.  For a toddler, that may mean keeping juice in a small pitcher that he can pour himself or teaching him the "slip and flip" trick for putting on his jacket.  For a teen, you might permit her to take public transportation or attend a concert with her friends. For both, we can offer choices.  An either/or choice is best suited for a two year old. (Do you want to eat the fruit now or bring it in the car?) A teen should be able to choose her own style of clothing, as long as each piece fits your bottom-line view of what's appropriate.  In general, parents should be prepared to choose their battles.  That means say "yes" as often as possible, and save "no" for when you have really good reasons. With teens, don't fall for the common complaint about what everyone else is allowed to do.  We are responsible for our own children, not someone else's.

Another important strategy for both tots and teens is to keep close tabs on their whereabouts.  A toddler can never be left unsupervised,  should always have something to do.  Wait times can bring trouble. Be prepared with a toy or snack to keep your little one busy.  With both toddlers and teens, if we don't make sure they are busy with healthy activities, they will get busy with unhealthy ones.  For a teen, it's very important to always know where and with whom she's spending her time and when she's expected home.  Knowing our child's friends prepares us to understand what's happening in her life and to provide guidance as needed.  

A parent's priority is always our children's safety.  We need to be mindful of what they  are exposed to. Toddlers can be hurt and confused by scary news broadcasts or, cursing fighting adults.  They are keenly aware of everything that is said around them, and can suffer emotionally, even if they are not yet able to articulate it.  Even more difficult to control is our children's exposure to harmful elements in technology. Protecting our children from inappropriate language, violence, sexual content and predators is excruciatingly difficult.  Parents need to set ground rules with their teens and put safeguards on their devices. Toddlers should be allowed minimal, if any, screen time.  Toddlers are in a stage of rapid development.  They need real life experiences, and are held back by any type of screen.

The most important role of a parent in raising her children through these challenging years is to be emotionally available.  The emotional ups and downs of our toddlers and teens can be stressful for them.   We need to be watchful of any signs of distress and try to help our children share their feelings.  My natural reaction, when one of my children seemed to be struggling, was to pull her closer.  Spend more time with her.  Speak and behave more positively.  Make it clear that I would always be there, always love her, always take care of her.  Life is not easy at any age, but trials become more bearable when we know that we are not alone.

They Never Listen!

  

Many children, as they outgrow their toddler years, become "mom deaf".  Mom will make a simple request over and over and get no response until finally she screams in frustration.  The scream will get the child to respond, leaving mom feeling bad for screaming and the child thinking mom is loony.  "Why are you screaming?".  "BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME!".
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When my son was in elementary school, it was impossible to wake him up in the morning.  I'd go to his room and tell him to get up several times before finally losing control and screaming at him.  He recently admitted to me that he heard me every time I told him to wake up, but he judged how much time he had by the volume of my voice.  When I finally screamed, he knew he really had to get out of bed. AARRGGHH!!!

Two interesting things about mom deafness.  First of all, it is selective.  If mom says, "Who wants cookies?" the kids will come running immediately from two floors away.  Secondly, at the risk of sounding sexist, it is pretty much exclusive to moms.  Children who are blessed with a mother and a father are less likely to heed their mom the first time she makes a request.  I have my own theory about this. Moms have innate antennae when it comes to their children and are tuned in to their every move.  Even when she's not with him, she knows when he's crying or fighting with another child, or getting into mischief. She's aware of his runny nose, of him running outside without shoes, of how he speaks.  As Spanky of the Little Rascals once said, "You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool Mom."  

Because mom is so aware of her child's every move, she's more likely to give him direction:  "Put on your shoes."  "Get a tissue."  "Stop jumping on the bed."  There's an almost constant stream of simple, well-meaning requests that the child begins to tune out, sort of like background noise.  And making these requests becomes a rote activity on the part of mom.  But this is part of being a good mother!  What's a woman to do?

I have a couple of suggestions.  The most powerful is to make eye contact with your child before you ask her to do something.  Calling from another room, or while your back is turned, is a guarantee that she won't listen.  A reasonable direction, given face to face, will likely be followed without a fuss.  "Put your dish in the sink".  A direction that might get some flack, such as "Put a sweater on before you go outside", might benefit from a simple explanation "It's cold out and I don't want you to get sick".

Another important approach to giving directions to our children is to tell them what to do, not to ask them if they want to do it.  I've heard moms say things like, "Do you want to get a tissue to wipe your nose?" and I think, "No, she doesn't."  Clearly the mom is trying to sound kind and friendly, but It's not a genuine question.  "No" is not an acceptable answer.  It's so much better to be direct, "Please get a tissue".

On the other hand, "or" questions, offering a choice of options, work really well to help children follow our directions.  For example, "It's time to clean up the toys.  Do you want to put away the cars or the puzzles?".  Choices give children a feeling of control, with an authentic say in the matter, which makes them more likely to cooperate.  A five minute warning before a transition serves the same purpose.  "We're leaving the playground in 5 minutes".  Just like adults, children feel more secure when they know what to expect and so are better prepared to follow direction.  
  
Finally, as exasperated as one may be, it's a bad idea to say in our children's presence, "They never listen to me".  We don't want that to be the truth, so we shouldn't say it.  If we do, they may take it as fact with no incentive to change.  We should instead think of ourselves and our children as works in progress, which of course we all are.  Mom learning to make requests in a way that clicks with her children, and children learning enough about mom's expectations to eventually fulfill them without being asked. (Yes, it happens.)    
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