They Never Listen!

  

Many children, as they outgrow their toddler years, become "mom deaf".  Mom will make a simple request over and over and get no response until finally she screams in frustration.  The scream will get the child to respond, leaving mom feeling bad for screaming and the child thinking mom is loony.  "Why are you screaming?".  "BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME!".
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When my son was in elementary school, it was impossible to wake him up in the morning.  I'd go to his room and tell him to get up several times before finally losing control and screaming at him.  He recently admitted to me that he heard me every time I told him to wake up, but he judged how much time he had by the volume of my voice.  When I finally screamed, he knew he really had to get out of bed. AARRGGHH!!!

Two interesting things about mom deafness.  First of all, it is selective.  If mom says, "Who wants cookies?" the kids will come running immediately from two floors away.  Secondly, at the risk of sounding sexist, it is pretty much exclusive to moms.  Children who are blessed with a mother and a father are less likely to heed their mom the first time she makes a request.  I have my own theory about this. Moms have innate antennae when it comes to their children and are tuned in to their every move.  Even when she's not with him, she knows when he's crying or fighting with another child, or getting into mischief. She's aware of his runny nose, of him running outside without shoes, of how he speaks.  As Spanky of the Little Rascals once said, "You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool Mom."  

Because mom is so aware of her child's every move, she's more likely to give him direction:  "Put on your shoes."  "Get a tissue."  "Stop jumping on the bed."  There's an almost constant stream of simple, well-meaning requests that the child begins to tune out, sort of like background noise.  And making these requests becomes a rote activity on the part of mom.  But this is part of being a good mother!  What's a woman to do?

I have a couple of suggestions.  The most powerful is to make eye contact with your child before you ask her to do something.  Calling from another room, or while your back is turned, is a guarantee that she won't listen.  A reasonable direction, given face to face, will likely be followed without a fuss.  "Put your dish in the sink".  A direction that might get some flack, such as "Put a sweater on before you go outside", might benefit from a simple explanation "It's cold out and I don't want you to get sick".

Another important approach to giving directions to our children is to tell them what to do, not to ask them if they want to do it.  I've heard moms say things like, "Do you want to get a tissue to wipe your nose?" and I think, "No, she doesn't."  Clearly the mom is trying to sound kind and friendly, but It's not a genuine question.  "No" is not an acceptable answer.  It's so much better to be direct, "Please get a tissue".

On the other hand, "or" questions, offering a choice of options, work really well to help children follow our directions.  For example, "It's time to clean up the toys.  Do you want to put away the cars or the puzzles?".  Choices give children a feeling of control, with an authentic say in the matter, which makes them more likely to cooperate.  A five minute warning before a transition serves the same purpose.  "We're leaving the playground in 5 minutes".  Just like adults, children feel more secure when they know what to expect and so are better prepared to follow direction.  
  
Finally, as exasperated as one may be, it's a bad idea to say in our children's presence, "They never listen to me".  We don't want that to be the truth, so we shouldn't say it.  If we do, they may take it as fact with no incentive to change.  We should instead think of ourselves and our children as works in progress, which of course we all are.  Mom learning to make requests in a way that clicks with her children, and children learning enough about mom's expectations to eventually fulfill them without being asked. (Yes, it happens.)    
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The Tough Talks: Answering Children's Questions about Scary Events

September 11, 2001 was the second day of school at the early childhood center where I was the director.  The parents, teachers, and I had worked carefully at orienting the children to the new school year, and they were adjusting beautifully.  As news unfolded that morning of the horrific events downtown, I understood my responsibility to protect our students and offer guidance to their teachers and parents.

The first thing I did was to speak to each teacher privately, directing her not to speak about the news in front of the children.  We were all shocked and scared.  We didn't know what scenarios the children might encounter at home.  Our priority was to maintain an emotionally safe environment; to protect them from the news for as long as possible.  I also cancelled outdoor play for that day.  We just didn't know enough about the dangers and what might happen next.

Many parents opted to pick their children up early from school that day.  They felt safer having their children by their side.  For those that remained, I assured parents that we were doing everything in our power to keep them safe.

Some parents kept their children away from the television news, others didn't.  A few families lost friends or relatives.  There was a range of exposure among our classes.  One boy continually built a tower of blocks and knocked it down with a toy car.  A little girl began withholding her urine. I maintained our policy of not initiating class conversations about the attacks, but prepared my staff to be open to listen and respond appropriately to the children's questions and concerns.  The children who expressed their worries behaviorally, like the two mentioned previously, were addressed individually and in partnership with their parents.

How do we answer tough questions from young children?  I have a two-pronged approach: 
 1.  Be honest and direct.  Answer the question simply.  Don't elaborate. 
 2. Reassure the child that he/she is safe.  You will protect him/her.

Children often bring out the best in us, and this is especially true at difficult times when we must be strong for them.  We keep our antennae up for any signs of worry and give extra loving comfort and attention.  When they verbalize their concerns in a question, we owe it to them to tell the truth.  The truth is never as scary as our imagination. But we don't have to tell the full story.  Most children neither want nor can understand the full story (can we?).  They need direct, simple, unembellished answers, in language they understand.  

Being truthful with our children shows them that they can trust us.  And building trust while they're young earns valuable dividends as they and their troubles grow up.  We always want our children to turn to us first with their questions.  One of the greatest accomplishments I felt as a mother was when someone told my children something and they would ask, "Is that right Mom?"  They learned to trust me. 

Young children are by nature egocentric.  Developmentally, they are not yet able to understand life from someone else's viewpoint.  Therefore, the underlying question when asking about scary things is always, "Will this happen to me?".  They need to be reassured that yes, bad things sometimes happen, but you are safe.  We love you and will always take care of you.

We can't prevent bad things from happening in our lives, but we can help our children understand the good and bad in life at their developmental level.  We can help them build trust, resilience and compassion.  Tapping into our own sources of hope and faith, we can envelop our children in love and keep them happy and confident.