Nonverbal Communication

 I  volunteer at the Long Island Children's Museum, a magical place where children actively engage in tons of fascinating and fun exhibits. Week after week, I have a blast interacting with children of all ages and entering their world of wonder, curiosity and play.  This week, I worked in Tot Spot, a play space dedicated to the youngest museum visitors.  While a facilitator conducted conversations with parents in a separate area, I and other volunteers monitored the babies and toddlers.  I connected with two youngsters in particular, a 9 month old girl and a 2 year old boy.  Each of them had some difficulty separating from their parents, but I managed to win them over and they both became attached to me.  The boy had only a few words and the girl was non-verbal.  Yet we communicated with ease and  really enjoyed each other.   That got me thinking about nonverbal communication.  I know it's essential  to children's sense of security and connection, but how specifically does it work?

For the most part, our interactions with others, including children, are natural and spontaneous.  We initiate or respond to conversations and actions freely, without lots of forethought.  So it's difficult to look back and identify the specific behaviors that led to my connection with the two small children at the museum. But that's what I've tried to do because I think it can help us learn a lot.  

I met the girl first.  She was sitting in a stroller while her older sister moved around playing.  I suggested to the mom that she put the baby in the cushioned pit with infant toys.  I got into the pit with her and starting rolling a toy to her, saying "Whee!" We made eye contact.  She grabbed the toy and tossed it.  I used simple language to talk about what we were doing as we continued this game, and that was it!  We connected!  Eventually another baby bumped into her and she cried, so I scooped her up and took her to another area.  That's where I  met the boy.

I sat the baby on the floor right next to me, near some shelves of plastic foods.  I took the foods out one by one, named them, and gave them to her to hold.  As she dropped them, I put them in a basket and she continued to explore.  The little boy was also taking food from the shelves.  I asked his father his name, and used that often in speaking to him.  I made eye contact, and basically narrated what he was doing.  "You're putting broccoli in your basket...Your basket is almost full.."  I challenged him to try new things "Can you walk in the garden?  Would you like to plant the banana..etc." (you had to be there).  Anyway, I continued chatting with him and the baby, and they both played near me.  The baby was bouncing up and down as she grabbed new toys, and the boy and I were laughing as he tried new activities.  

I've identified 5 strategies that helped me communicate with these nonverbal children: 

1.  Enter their world.  With the girl, I got into the infant pit and played with the toys.  With the boy, I narrated his actions and used simple questions to extend his play.  With both, I brought my body down to their eye level.

2.  Make eye contact. Smile. It's magic, it works. 

3.  Keep your body relaxed and your voice pleasant.  I was there to help them have fun and keep them safe.  Both of those messages are relayed by tone of voice and body language.

4.   Treat the child like a communicative partner.   Talk.  Narrate what he's doing.  Ask simple questions.  Wait for an answer, even if it's nonverbal.

5.  Respond appropriately to their body language and facial expressions.  When the baby cried, I moved her to another area.  When she was bouncing and grabbing, I knew she was happy.  When the boy stiffened up after I suggested he try the slide, I let it go.  When he looked for more toys to put on the conveyor belt, I knew he was having fun.

Nonverbal communication is a powerful teaching tool.  Young children are experts at interpreting our body language, tone, and facial expressions.  We don't need to tell them  how we feel and what we value, because they know by watching us.  I recently read that if our nonverbal communication differs from our verbal communication, a child will believe the nonverbal cues.  If we want our children to trust us, we must be genuine with them.  At the same time, by understanding what our children are communicating with their behaviors, tone, gestures, and facial expressions, we can meet their needs for security and connection and open the doors to rich learning and growth.

Parent Teacher Conferences: Making Them Work

The home-school connection is a vital component of education.    When school and home share the same philosophy and approach to learning, children thrive.  Parents and teachers become partners. They work in tandem for the benefit of the children. By  communicating openly with each other, they enable seamless guidance and support for the child in both environments.   The key ingredient to making it all work?  Trust. 

Developing trust takes time.  Teachers gain parents' trust when they reach out at the beginning of the year to introduce themselves, to let parents know how their children are adjusting to the new school year, to share information about their availability for calls or emails.  They can write newsletters or blogs to keep parents up to date on class happenings and upcoming events.  They can share photos and anecdotes with parents, giving a peek into their child's school experiences.  They take the time to get to know the child, and find ways to communicate that to parents.

Parents  gain teachers' trust when they respond to requests for supplies or information; when they make sure their child comes to school on time, well rested and well fed; when they let the teacher know of any extenuating circumstances at home that may affect the child's behavior in school; when they keep a sick child at home.  A parent who demonstrates respect for school rules and culture is the ideal partner in a child's education.

Parent Teacher Conferences are brief meetings at which teachers  share their observations of a child's performance in class, and parents  give feedback about how they see their child responding to the learning program.  Teachers can show work samples and discuss ways in which the child relates to classmates and activities.  Parents may have questions about areas of specific interest to their child.  The teacher is an expert in working with groups of children; the parent is an expert in his own child.   Both have valuable information that can facilitate the child's healthy development.

Any behavioral or academic concerns ought to be addressed prior to the Parent Teacher Conference.  If the teacher notices that a student struggles to complete tasks, for example, the first thing she does is keep a log of her observations, to try to find a pattern.  Does he finish some tasks but not others?  Are there distractions?  Is the work too easy? Too hard?  Once she identifies a pattern, she can take steps to remediate.  She contacts the parent to  explain her concerns, her observations, and the steps she is taking to help.  She can ask for reinforcement at home, and/or find out if the parents have a better strategy.  

Behavioral issues are often more difficult to address.  Parents are naturally very protective of their children, and may be quick to blame the school for any reported behavior problems.  This is where trust becomes critical.  If a parent trusts that the teacher understands and appreciates his child; if the teacher communicates her concerns through a lens of caring and is using positive strategies to address the child's behaviors, the parent and teacher are more likely to work together in the child's best interests.  Naming a problem is not enough.  Placing blame is not enough.  The goal is to understand the child's individual needs and temperament, and to find ways to accommodate those needs and that temperament within the classroom.  It's hard work, and  requires teachers and parents to pool their knowledge and plan accordingly.

There are no surprises at Parent Teacher Conferences.  Any issues have been discussed beforehand.  At these meetings, teachers and parents can share their pride in a child's achievements. Parents get a little window into their child's life away from them. Teachers and parents share snippets of the child's personality in action.  And they marvel at the amazing privilege of` having a hand in the growth and development of a precious child.

The Tough Talks: Answering Children's Questions about Scary Events

September 11, 2001 was the second day of school at the early childhood center where I was the director.  The parents, teachers, and I had worked carefully at orienting the children to the new school year, and they were adjusting beautifully.  As news unfolded that morning of the horrific events downtown, I understood my responsibility to protect our students and offer guidance to their teachers and parents.

The first thing I did was to speak to each teacher privately, directing her not to speak about the news in front of the children.  We were all shocked and scared.  We didn't know what scenarios the children might encounter at home.  Our priority was to maintain an emotionally safe environment; to protect them from the news for as long as possible.  I also cancelled outdoor play for that day.  We just didn't know enough about the dangers and what might happen next.

Many parents opted to pick their children up early from school that day.  They felt safer having their children by their side.  For those that remained, I assured parents that we were doing everything in our power to keep them safe.

Some parents kept their children away from the television news, others didn't.  A few families lost friends or relatives.  There was a range of exposure among our classes.  One boy continually built a tower of blocks and knocked it down with a toy car.  A little girl began withholding her urine. I maintained our policy of not initiating class conversations about the attacks, but prepared my staff to be open to listen and respond appropriately to the children's questions and concerns.  The children who expressed their worries behaviorally, like the two mentioned previously, were addressed individually and in partnership with their parents.

How do we answer tough questions from young children?  I have a two-pronged approach: 
 1.  Be honest and direct.  Answer the question simply.  Don't elaborate. 
 2. Reassure the child that he/she is safe.  You will protect him/her.

Children often bring out the best in us, and this is especially true at difficult times when we must be strong for them.  We keep our antennae up for any signs of worry and give extra loving comfort and attention.  When they verbalize their concerns in a question, we owe it to them to tell the truth.  The truth is never as scary as our imagination. But we don't have to tell the full story.  Most children neither want nor can understand the full story (can we?).  They need direct, simple, unembellished answers, in language they understand.  

Being truthful with our children shows them that they can trust us.  And building trust while they're young earns valuable dividends as they and their troubles grow up.  We always want our children to turn to us first with their questions.  One of the greatest accomplishments I felt as a mother was when someone told my children something and they would ask, "Is that right Mom?"  They learned to trust me. 

Young children are by nature egocentric.  Developmentally, they are not yet able to understand life from someone else's viewpoint.  Therefore, the underlying question when asking about scary things is always, "Will this happen to me?".  They need to be reassured that yes, bad things sometimes happen, but you are safe.  We love you and will always take care of you.

We can't prevent bad things from happening in our lives, but we can help our children understand the good and bad in life at their developmental level.  We can help them build trust, resilience and compassion.  Tapping into our own sources of hope and faith, we can envelop our children in love and keep them happy and confident.