Nonverbal Communication

 I  volunteer at the Long Island Children's Museum, a magical place where children actively engage in tons of fascinating and fun exhibits. Week after week, I have a blast interacting with children of all ages and entering their world of wonder, curiosity and play.  This week, I worked in Tot Spot, a play space dedicated to the youngest museum visitors.  While a facilitator conducted conversations with parents in a separate area, I and other volunteers monitored the babies and toddlers.  I connected with two youngsters in particular, a 9 month old girl and a 2 year old boy.  Each of them had some difficulty separating from their parents, but I managed to win them over and they both became attached to me.  The boy had only a few words and the girl was non-verbal.  Yet we communicated with ease and  really enjoyed each other.   That got me thinking about nonverbal communication.  I know it's essential  to children's sense of security and connection, but how specifically does it work?

For the most part, our interactions with others, including children, are natural and spontaneous.  We initiate or respond to conversations and actions freely, without lots of forethought.  So it's difficult to look back and identify the specific behaviors that led to my connection with the two small children at the museum. But that's what I've tried to do because I think it can help us learn a lot.  

I met the girl first.  She was sitting in a stroller while her older sister moved around playing.  I suggested to the mom that she put the baby in the cushioned pit with infant toys.  I got into the pit with her and starting rolling a toy to her, saying "Whee!" We made eye contact.  She grabbed the toy and tossed it.  I used simple language to talk about what we were doing as we continued this game, and that was it!  We connected!  Eventually another baby bumped into her and she cried, so I scooped her up and took her to another area.  That's where I  met the boy.

I sat the baby on the floor right next to me, near some shelves of plastic foods.  I took the foods out one by one, named them, and gave them to her to hold.  As she dropped them, I put them in a basket and she continued to explore.  The little boy was also taking food from the shelves.  I asked his father his name, and used that often in speaking to him.  I made eye contact, and basically narrated what he was doing.  "You're putting broccoli in your basket...Your basket is almost full.."  I challenged him to try new things "Can you walk in the garden?  Would you like to plant the banana..etc." (you had to be there).  Anyway, I continued chatting with him and the baby, and they both played near me.  The baby was bouncing up and down as she grabbed new toys, and the boy and I were laughing as he tried new activities.  

I've identified 5 strategies that helped me communicate with these nonverbal children: 

1.  Enter their world.  With the girl, I got into the infant pit and played with the toys.  With the boy, I narrated his actions and used simple questions to extend his play.  With both, I brought my body down to their eye level.

2.  Make eye contact. Smile. It's magic, it works. 

3.  Keep your body relaxed and your voice pleasant.  I was there to help them have fun and keep them safe.  Both of those messages are relayed by tone of voice and body language.

4.   Treat the child like a communicative partner.   Talk.  Narrate what he's doing.  Ask simple questions.  Wait for an answer, even if it's nonverbal.

5.  Respond appropriately to their body language and facial expressions.  When the baby cried, I moved her to another area.  When she was bouncing and grabbing, I knew she was happy.  When the boy stiffened up after I suggested he try the slide, I let it go.  When he looked for more toys to put on the conveyor belt, I knew he was having fun.

Nonverbal communication is a powerful teaching tool.  Young children are experts at interpreting our body language, tone, and facial expressions.  We don't need to tell them  how we feel and what we value, because they know by watching us.  I recently read that if our nonverbal communication differs from our verbal communication, a child will believe the nonverbal cues.  If we want our children to trust us, we must be genuine with them.  At the same time, by understanding what our children are communicating with their behaviors, tone, gestures, and facial expressions, we can meet their needs for security and connection and open the doors to rich learning and growth.

Cooking With Kids

The kitchen is the heart of the home.  It is the central gathering place for family members, a place of warmth where we feel cared for and safe .  Cooking for our family expresses our love for them, as we nourish them with healthy food that enables them to grow, and we nurture them with tastes that bring them pleasure.  Food preparation involves all of our senses: the kitchen fills with aroma; we feel the warmth of the oven; we hear the sounds of boiling or frying or perking (coffee; notice the coffee pots in both pictures); we're given a sample to touch and taste.  These are very soothing sensory experiences, so we feel comforted, secure, at peace.

Involving our children in cooking is so good for them, in so many ways.  At home, children learn the life skills of food preparation and forge a generational connection that will follow  them into adulthood.  Children generally love to be included in the cooking process, and gain a feeling of competence and value as they contribute to the family.  Including children however adds time to the process, so it's not always feasible.  Still, if they start with small tasks they will gain proficiency and be ready to take on more.  The longer we do something the better we get at it.  Even small children can be taught to add ingredients, to wash vegetables, to crack eggs (tap, crack, and use thumbs to separate), to peel and cut, pour and mix. 

I think children gravitate toward preparing their favorite foods.  As a child, it was my job to make the salad.  My mother taught me to tear the lettuce and dribble just enough olive oil and vinegar to lightly coat each piece.  To this day, I make the best salad (just sayin) and never measure.  Her father did all the cooking in their house, and we visited them at least once a week.  My job was to taste the macaroni.  Grandpa would trust me to know when it was ready.  Again, to this day I do not time anything I cook.  I just sort of know when it's done.  In my family, one of my daughters makes the best french fries.  Another is an incredible baker.  And another has a favorite dessert she makes every Passover.  It's a touching experience to eat at their homes, enjoying so many of the foods I normally cook.

Cooking is an integral part of most early childhood classrooms.  It's a wonderful experience for young children who are just learning to separate from their parents, because it evokes homey feelings, fortifying the home-school connection.  It's also a terrific way to learn math and science, as children measure ingredients and observe the changes that occur when foods are mixed and/or cooked.  The caveat to all this learning is that children be allowed to cook independently. Teachers know that children learn by doing, but tend to take over for them when it comes to cooking.   In too many classrooms, I have seen the children watch the teacher measure and mix, while they sit around a table waiting for a turn to stir.  To be effective, cooking should be done in small groups, so that each child has an authentic opportunity to learn.  Children can be taught to follow a recipe, maybe in rebus form (with pictures).  They can learn to measure, to cut, to mix, to pour, etc.  School supply stores sell child-size utensils for cooking.  A good one is forsmallhands.com, a Montessori catalogue. 

Children are most often recipients.  We do a lot for them.  Teaching them to cook allows them to become givers.  It feels good to give, to be generous, to be loving, to be needed.  Opening the doors to giving is a precious gift to children.  Mix in the sensory experiences of preparing foods, and the math, science, and reading lessons involved...cooking is pretty much the ideal teaching tool!

Separation Anxiety: Parents

In one of my previous posts, "Back to School", I wrote about easing the anxieties of young children who are entering school programs for the first time. It's important to acknowledge that parents also experience anxiety when separating from their children.  In fact, parents' anxieties probably outweigh the children's fears. Moreover, our separation anxiety is not limited to starting school.  We'll have to say goodbye to our children many, many times as they grow up.  And it does not get easier.

Leaving a child in a daycare or toddler program is often the first prolonged separation.  We choose the program that best fits our family.  We're comfortable with the facilities, agree with the program's mission and educational philosophy, and trust the faculty. We've done our homework.  We've prepared our child.  Now the time comes to say goodbye.  Ouch.

As an early childhood educator, I have found that the very best way to say goodbye is to make it short and sweet.  The worst thing to do is linger.  One memorable mom brought her 2 year old to the first day of school.  He joined a group at the play-doh table and quickly engaged in play.  But the mom couldn't tear herself away.  She stood near him for several minutes saying, "I'm leaving";  "Goodbye"; "See you later"; "Here I go"; until he finally broke down in tears.  Is that what she secretly hoped for?

It will always hurt to say goodbye to our children.  But that's our job as parents.  We learn when and how to let go, bit by bit, until they're fully independent.  The first day of school will be followed by the first play date, first sleep-over, first time crossing the street, first time at sleep-away camp, first time home alone, first time driving..........

Parenting is incredibly hard work, usurping all of our resources:  physical, mental, emotional, financial.  It brings both great joy and deep pain.  We want our children to grow up as independent, capable, emotionally healthy adults; and the only way to do this is to let them go.  It hurts to separate from our children because of our deep, eternal connection to them.  But when we do our homework and let them go, we gift them with their purpose in life---to grow, to thrive, and to find their own path.

Ironically, children who are raised to be independent never really leave us.  They recognize and appreciate our trust and support in their journey toward independence.  As that appreciation strengthens over time, they become our life- long "friends".

Regardless of the age/stage of separation, your tears are normal.  Your baby is growing up.  Gird yourself before you say goodbye.  Put a smile on your face.  Pat yourself on the back for sending a self-sufficient citizen into the world.  Then go home to a box of Kleenex and a quart of ice cream.

Back to School: Ready or Not

I have been involved in education since forever, in many roles:  student, parent, teacher, and administrator.  Every year, regardless of role, the anticipation of the new school year comes as a combination of butterflies and high hopes.  Students get a fresh start and resolve that this year they will take better notes, participate more in class, stay on top of assignments.  Parents outfit their children with supplies, line up carpools, make after-school arrangements and think about workable routines.  Teachers set up classrooms,  prepare syllabi, lessons and materials, attend professional development meetings and determine to reach and teach every child to his/her highest potential.  Administrators finish schedules and class lists, plan new programs, orient students, faculty, and parents.  We all put so much energy into preparing for this auspicious beginning.  And time moves quickly.  Each year, when asked if I were ready for school, my answer was always, "Ready or not, here we go!"

Preparing for school is somewhat different for very young children and their parents.  A child entering an early childhood program for the first time may be anxious about separating from his/her parents.  One of the best ways to help him/her prepare is to discuss routines.  "You will play with toys, read books, eat snack, and then mommy/daddy/babysitter will pick you up".  Knowing what to expect calms children; they gain a sense of control by following routines.  In time, when they see that they are consistently picked up at the same time each day, they can relax and enjoy the class activities.  

Most programs for young children will have some sort of orientation program before the first day of school.  This will give the children a picture of where they will be spending their time, as well as an opportunity to meet their teachers.  A brief, individualized exchange with the teacher is an important first step in making a connection and establishing trust.  In addition, many programs offer a staggered schedule for the first few days to ease children away from their parents and into their new routines.  And if your school permits, bringing a special toy from home may help provide an "anchor" while exploring new territory.

For children who are returning to early childhood programs, the preparations are much easier.  They are already familiar with school routines and with a certain amount of independence from home. Living in the present as they do, they are highly unlikely to worry about the new school year.  Getting these children ready for school is more about establishing healthy routines at home. They need regular bedtimes and lots of sleep, and regular, healthy meals and snacks. Their time on electronics should be limited. Unstructured playtime, outdoors and inside, interacting with friends and family, and being read to daily fully prepare a child to absorb any lessons offered in school.

Your own attitude about the upcoming school year is another major factor in your child's ability to transition well.  Children are fine-tuned to our feelings.  If we are confident and enthusiastic about their school placement, they will be more comfortable about entering a new environment.  On the other hand, if we are uneasy or ambivalent, even without telling them in words, they will be too.

These tips may seem overly-simplified, but they are incredibly powerful, and their importance should not be minimized.  A child who lacks sleep loses focus and sometimes control of his/her emotions.  A child who lives on junk food will lose energy and can be irritable.  A child who spends most of his/her time on electronic devices cannot think for himself.  He looks to be entertained or directed.  His play is shallow and unimaginative.  And his fine motor skills are underdeveloped.  And a child who is solitary, with few communicative interactions and unstructured play, may lag in language skills.  A well cared for child follows healthy routines at home, and is equipped to learn.  A child whose parents are confident about his school placement is ready for a smooth transition from home to school.

Preparing for a new school year takes a lot of thought and energy.  School can be a very exciting place, rich in meaningful experiences that make a real difference in our lives.  Get ready...and have some fun.