I volunteer at the Long Island Children's Museum, a magical place where children actively engage in tons of fascinating and fun exhibits. Week after week, I have a blast interacting with children of all ages and entering their world of wonder, curiosity and play. This week, I worked in Tot Spot, a play space dedicated to the youngest museum visitors. While a facilitator conducted conversations with parents in a separate area, I and other volunteers monitored the babies and toddlers. I connected with two youngsters in particular, a 9 month old girl and a 2 year old boy. Each of them had some difficulty separating from their parents, but I managed to win them over and they both became attached to me. The boy had only a few words and the girl was non-verbal. Yet we communicated with ease and really enjoyed each other. That got me thinking about nonverbal communication. I know it's essential to children's sense of security and connection, but how specifically does it work?
For the most part, our interactions with others, including children, are natural and spontaneous. We initiate or respond to conversations and actions freely, without lots of forethought. So it's difficult to look back and identify the specific behaviors that led to my connection with the two small children at the museum. But that's what I've tried to do because I think it can help us learn a lot.
I met the girl first. She was sitting in a stroller while her older sister moved around playing. I suggested to the mom that she put the baby in the cushioned pit with infant toys. I got into the pit with her and starting rolling a toy to her, saying "Whee!" We made eye contact. She grabbed the toy and tossed it. I used simple language to talk about what we were doing as we continued this game, and that was it! We connected! Eventually another baby bumped into her and she cried, so I scooped her up and took her to another area. That's where I met the boy.
I sat the baby on the floor right next to me, near some shelves of plastic foods. I took the foods out one by one, named them, and gave them to her to hold. As she dropped them, I put them in a basket and she continued to explore. The little boy was also taking food from the shelves. I asked his father his name, and used that often in speaking to him. I made eye contact, and basically narrated what he was doing. "You're putting broccoli in your basket...Your basket is almost full.." I challenged him to try new things "Can you walk in the garden? Would you like to plant the banana..etc." (you had to be there). Anyway, I continued chatting with him and the baby, and they both played near me. The baby was bouncing up and down as she grabbed new toys, and the boy and I were laughing as he tried new activities.
I've identified 5 strategies that helped me communicate with these nonverbal children:
1. Enter their world. With the girl, I got into the infant pit and played with the toys. With the boy, I narrated his actions and used simple questions to extend his play. With both, I brought my body down to their eye level.
2. Make eye contact. Smile. It's magic, it works.
3. Keep your body relaxed and your voice pleasant. I was there to help them have fun and keep them safe. Both of those messages are relayed by tone of voice and body language.
4. Treat the child like a communicative partner. Talk. Narrate what he's doing. Ask simple questions. Wait for an answer, even if it's nonverbal.
5. Respond appropriately to their body language and facial expressions. When the baby cried, I moved her to another area. When she was bouncing and grabbing, I knew she was happy. When the boy stiffened up after I suggested he try the slide, I let it go. When he looked for more toys to put on the conveyor belt, I knew he was having fun.
Nonverbal communication is a powerful teaching tool. Young children are experts at interpreting our body language, tone, and facial expressions. We don't need to tell them how we feel and what we value, because they know by watching us. I recently read that if our nonverbal communication differs from our verbal communication, a child will believe the nonverbal cues. If we want our children to trust us, we must be genuine with them. At the same time, by understanding what our children are communicating with their behaviors, tone, gestures, and facial expressions, we can meet their needs for security and connection and open the doors to rich learning and growth.
Kids say the funniest things. How often have you been surprised by a child's unintentional laugh-out-loud comment? As my kids were growing up, and I worked with so many kids at school, I kept saying I would write these things down; it would make a great book. But I never did, and now I'm left with the few quips that made their way into my long-term memory. I've sort of categorized some of these sayings here.
One of the first that comes to mind is the way that small children can confuse names. For example, when my daughter was little, someone asked her the name of her doll. She said, "Allison". We didn't know anyone by that name, so I asked her, "Who's Allison?". "Allison Wonderland", she replied. In the early childhood playground one day a girl said to me, "I know your name. It's Georgia". I said, "You're right. But do you know my Hebrew name? I'll give you a hint. It's the same as yours". She lit up with a bright smile and said, "Princess?". Another girl told her mother that I was the princess of the school. Someone had told her that I was the principal, and she confused the words. And then there are the children who think Ella Mennow invented the alphabet: " l-m-n-o-p".
Some of the things that kids say demonstrate how they are beginning to acquire vocabulary, even though they lack mastery. Like when my daughter told me she was "boring" because she had nothing to do. Or a little girl came to class with no pennies for the charity box because her daddy was "broken". I once told a two year old to hit a ball with a bat. After I tossed it to her, she watched it fall to the ground and then proceeded to beat it with her bat. A little boy listened as I read Where's Spot? to his toddler class. On one page there is a big speech bubble next to a turtle and he said, "The turtle's eating a potato!".
I love the way kids can be so unselfconscious about their appearance. The picture above is of my granddaughter, minutes after she raided her mother's make-up bag and said, "I no do nothing!". Another time, she was at a family gathering where I had served chips, veggies, and dip. She came into the kitchen with her face covered in white. "What's on your face?", asked my daughter. "Face paint!", she said. It was dip. Then there was a little boy in a four year old class that covered his face with a thick layer of white sun block before going out to play. I told him to look in the full length mirror we had in the housekeeping corner. He framed his face with his hands, tilted his head, and said, "Adorable!".
Bathroom words are hilarious to young children, and often used to break the ice. When my daughter was five, she was shy to attend birthday parties. I once brought her to a party and two little boys ran over to her. "Doody", said one. "Pee-pee", said the other. Done. She ran off laughing to play with them. Another time, I brought one of my grandsons to visit his cousin. They were both five at the time. At first they were a little shy. Then one said, "I farted". The other answered, "I made doody in my pants". They cracked up laughing and were inseparable all day. Another grandson was on the toilet with the door ajar. He called out to his mom, "Mommy, right doody's a bathroom word?". "Yes" confirmed my daughter. "Well, I'm in the bathroom now" and he made up a song/chant, "doody, doody, doody, doody,".
There are times when we are surprised by our children's perspectives of the world. My daughter had a treasured Grover doll that she lost. Weeks later, we were in Toys R Us, and she spotted a Grover doll on the shelf. "Grover!", she caIled. "I looked and looked for you!". In a Pre-k class, the teacher was reading a book to the children on the carpet while the assistant prepared the tables for the next activity. One boy said to the teacher, "Why does the other teacher do all the work?". An incredibly touching moment happened to me several years ago. A little boy immigrated from Israel in September and started kindergarten without a word of English. He began acting out, hitting the other children. I carved out some time each day to teach him English in my office, with books, songs, and finger plays. He was very bright, and by December, he was acclimating well to his class. The next year when he was in first grade he saw me in the cafeteria. He looked up at me and said, "I knew you when I didn't know anything". Wow. He remembered feeling lost and confused, and he remembered that I helped him. A definite highlight of my career.
Sometimes kids say things and we scratch our heads, clueless as to where they come up with these things. A group of four year olds was playing airplane. They lined up their chairs and were preparing for take-off when one little girl shouted, "No sex on the airplane!" . ???!!! In another class, a teacher of three's played music at clean-up time. Each time it started, one little boy jumped up and yelled, "Cha-cha!". The class started a routine of dancing at clean up time!
Not everything kids say is funny. I have some very poignant memories too, which I'll save for another time. But whether funny or serious, we can learn a lot by listening to our children. Maybe it's not too late to start writing things down.
