Growing up, my favorite show to watch on TV was The Little Rascals. I have a whole repertoire of quotes from those short movies, and to this day love watching them. The Little Rascals are independent, resilient, resourceful, and really funny kids. They made me feel like being a kid wasn't a handicap. After all, kids don't have the freedoms, rights, and choices of adults. Kids can feel powerless in a confusing world. But the Little Rascals were not helpless. In their world, kids could do and be and have just about anything.
Happily for me, my grandchildren are also fans of The Little Rascals. (Unhappily for my children, they're also quoting some of their favorite lines.) We watch episodes on youtube, and the kids laugh so hard they sometimes fall off the couch. Recently, we watched a newer, color movie version which happened to be really good. There were several cameos of famous people, such as Whoopi Goldberg as Buckwheat's mother. In one scene, Spanky and some of the kids pretended to be adults so they could apply for a bank loan to rebuild their clubhouse. The banker was played by Mel Brooks, and of course he saw through their disguise immediately. As a busy banker, he was impatient and dismissive with them, and Spanky said, "Hey mister, you can't talk to people like that.". And Brooks yelled back, "You're not people, you're a kid!".
Few of us would be rude enough to make that statement in real life, but the truth is that many of us convey that exact message to kids non-verbally. And they get it. For example, many adults seem to think it's okay to use swear words or hold adult conversations in the presence of small children because they assume that the kids don't understand. Wrong. Children are highly attuned to our tone, facial expressions, and body language, and even if they don't have a grasp of all the vocabulary we use, they understand what we are communicating. Anyone who has learned a second language knows that sometimes you can get the gist of a conversation without grasping all the words. Children have strong, innate communicative abilities. Underestimating those abilities is disrespectful.
Children entering toddler and early childhood programs are not empty buckets waiting to be filled up with knowledge. Even our youngest students bring with them a world of experiences and understandings. Ask any mother how quickly the first year of life goes by --zoom! And in that time, our children are gathering tons of information about their bodies, about the people and things in their surroundings, and about communication. Developmentally appropriate practice, which is the professionally accepted approach to early childhood education, means using the developmental levels of our students as a starting point for teaching. Lesson plans are based on the children's interests and personal experiences. So, let's say a holiday is coming up and we want to learn and celebrate in class. The first step is to find out what the children already know about the holiday, what experiences they've had with it, and then develop activities to extend their knowledge. All learning is about making connections between new concepts and prior knowledge.
It's important to be every bit as thoughtful in talking to children as we are when speaking to adults. We may never know the full impact of our words. Once, at the beginning of a new school year, a four year old boy said to me, "My teacher last year said I was a tzaddik "(righteous person). I answered him, "You're still a tzaddik". To me, it was a nothing conversation. Days later, his mother repeated it word for word. She said that another adult might have paid little attention to him " That's nice"; but that my words touched him deeply. Wow.
It's important to treat children as our conversational equals. This will: 1) demonstrate that their thoughts and feelings have value; 2) build their self-confidence; and 3) strengthen their own communication skills. Of course children deserve to be treated with respect. They're people too!!
My last post, Hello Sunshine, touched upon the effects of a cheerful greeting. One reader shared her observation that today's kids are not being taught to greet people as they enter a room. It got me thinking about the importance of teaching our children this common courtesy. Children have as much to gain as adults in greeting others pleasantly. And it struck me that our failure to teach this basic social skill might be a side effect of what teachers today refer to as "entitlement". Entitlement is a buzzword in schools everywhere. It refers to the attitude of many parents and children that they have the right to get whatever they want simply because they want it. To me it brings to mind a titled monarch; someone to whom others owe allegiance. So many parents seem driven to shield their children from any unpleasantness in life while simultaneously pushing them ahead as far as they can. Teachers are no longer considered authority figures. If a child doesn't do his homework for example, it's not uncommon for his parent to make excuses and argue that he not be penalized. Some of us remember being in trouble at home if the teacher called to discuss our behavior. Today, parents are more likely to place the blame for a child's misbehavior elsewhere: on the teacher, the school, or the other students. A colleague of mine once dealt with a difficult parent over the phone. His fifth grade son had been acting aggressively on the school bus, and actually bit another child. The father ranted about the other kids, the bus driver, the school's responsibility, until my friend said to him, "At some point, you're going to have to stop defending him and let him take responsibility for his actions.". I could have kissed her.
Entitlement is selfishness. It dismisses the needs, feelings, and rights of other people. I'm not sure that we can pinpoint a specific origin for this phenomenon, and I don't believe that it began solely with parents. It may have begun years ago, when psychologists and others became concerned with the development of children's self-esteem. This led to over-praising children, accepting mediocre work as a "good job" or effortless scribbles as "beautiful". Many parents, for various reasons, are reluctant to say "no" to their children, so kids are accustomed to getting what they want. (Take a look at my post "All You Need Is Love" for more on this). Or it may be that a sense of entitlement stems from our stressed out, achievement oriented society, where getting ahead is a top priority. The very term "getting ahead" implies competition; ahead of someone else. We push our children to get into the best schools, to get top grades, to pad their college resumes with extracurricular activities. And schools contribute to this feeling of competition as teachers and students struggle to meet the demands of more standardized tests and rigorous academics pushed down to younger and younger grades. In addition, parents today may be more protective of their children because the world is a scarier place than it used to be. Leaving children to play outdoors unsupervised is not an option for most families, so we keep them under our constant guard. Children believe that they are special and that mom and dad will take care of all their needs. But the job of parenting is to raise our children to be independent. We need to guide them to make smart decisions and then to be accountable for their decisions. It's important to learn to follow rules and protocols in order to be a responsible citizen. We can't fix all of our children's problems, and we actually cause more harm than good by trying to do so.
No one wants a spoiled, coddled child. How can we reasonably protect our children without sheltering them in a gilded bubble? How can we advocate for their best interests while teaching them to take care of themselves? There is a terrific parenting book that addresses this problem. It's called The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, by Wendy Mogel, PhD, and was a cult favorite several years ago. It is a wonderful resource for raising resilient, self-reliant children. The author basically promotes the idea that falling down, scraping a knee, making mistakes, even getting hurt, are all healthy steps on the road to growing up. We want our children to learn to grow from their mistakes, not to avoid them.
A focused greeting can offset a sense of entitlement by forcing a child to acknowledge the presence of other people. It can take her out of her own head for a minute and demonstrate respect. When I was a little girl, my parents would coach my siblings and me before every visit to friends and family. We had to kiss every adult in the room hello, and then again when it was time to say good-bye. We were not allowed to call any adult by their first name. We were taught to look behind us as we went through a door, so that we could hold it open for anyone who might be following. We learned to wait on lines and to only talk to people when they were in the same room as us. We were expected to clean up our own mess, wherever we were.
These lessons work equally well today. When we held kindergarten orientation programs in my former school, I included a bus orientation. I taught the children to line up to enter the bus and to say "hello" to the bus driver. I reviewed all the procedures that would keep them safe, then taught them to say "thank you" to the bus driver as they exited. People who serve us, such as bus drivers, waiters, gas station attendants, etc., should not be made to feel invisible. They are doing us a favor (yes, even though they're getting paid to do so). Acknowledging them and the nice things they do for us shows respect and gratitude.
There are a couple of things on the educational horizon that I believe will cause the downfall of the Age of Entitlement. One is the new approach to teaching called 'growth mindset'. In a fixed mindset, a person's abilities, intelligence, and talents are considered fixed traits that cannot be changed. Growth mindset proposes that everyone can develop their intellect, talents and abilities through effort and persistence. In terms of entitlement, a child with a fixed mindset is more concerned with grades than learning. If she does poorly on an assignment, she might fight the teacher for a better grade. On the other hand, a child with a growth mindset will be curious about her mistakes, embrace the chance to try again, and continue learning. Teaching a growth mindset holds exciting prospects for the field of education and the potential for authentic, life-long learning.
Another trend in education today is the emphasis on projects and collaborative group work. In the high school where I taught Spanish, many teachers assigned projects to their classes in lieu of unit tests. For example, in one of my Spanish classes, we learned vocabulary related to homes. I assigned a project on Antoni Gaudi, a famous Spanish architect. The students worked in small groups to research his biography and one of his buildings. They used this information to compose a multi-media presentation, in which one student played the role of a real estate agent, and two others were a couple looking for a residence with specific amenities. In order to complete this project, students needed to employ a range of skills, including research, organization, writing, video and computer skills, oral language, and role play. Projects like this require sophisticated social skills, as each student works with her team to include, modify, and build upon everyone's ideas. Students were graded according to a rubric that addressed individual contributions and evidence of learning as well as the quality of the end result. This sort of assignment is a more accurate assessment of a student's learning, and better reflects the skill sets needed in today's work environments .
Entitlement is not a pretty word. No one is perfect. Life is not perfect. Let's not set our children up for unrealistic expectations. We can teach them to try again, work harder, take pride in their efforts and welcome challenges. We can help them to acknowledge the people they meet throughout the day and to appreciate the role that each one plays in our lives. They can view their peers as collaborators instead of competitors, and come to know the profound joy of true learning.
Before taking my first job as Early Childhood Center Director, I underwent several interviews. One school leader, whom I deeply respected, asked a question that threw me for a loop. He said, "How do you say good morning to children?". Huh? How many ways are there to say "good morning"? What did he really want to know?
To prepare for this new position, I spent a day observing the center in action. I was present when the children began arriving, and suddenly understood the meaning of that nebulous question. Two boys walked through the door chatting, laughing, and gently pushing each other. A teacher reprimanded them to stop that behavior and take their places on the floor, where they waited for their teachers to bring them to their classrooms. Ouch. No one said "good morning" to those boys. Their introduction to the new school day was a negative encounter with an impatient teacher. They had to wait as a group, with nothing to do, before they could even enter their classrooms. My heart sank.
The way we greet children matters a lot and sets the tone for the rest of the day. Every child deserves a warm, individual greeting at the classroom door. Eye contact, a big smile and a brief, personal comment make our students feel welcome and special. "Hi, Marcy, that's such a pretty bow in your hair. Is it new?". Marcy will feel noticed and appreciated. Being the teacher's center of attention for a minute builds her confidence and energizes her to tackle the day's activities. The teacher has established a personal connection that will motivate that student to participate and follow class rules. That's a lot of value for a couple of minutes worth of pleasantries.
The same is true at home. Whether welcoming our children at our door or at car pool, a smile and a hug show them how much they mean to us. That moment of focused attention is powerful, non-verbal language that says, "I love you, I missed you, you're important to me." . Do your eyes light up when your child returns to you? That's emotional gold to little egos.
Treating other people with respect and dignity is a basic human obligation. Greeting each person we meet with a friendly smile is an expression of this obligation. There is a famous verse in Ethics of Our Fathers, a Jewish text on ethical behavior and interpersonal relationships, that teaches: "Receive every person with a cheerful face". A smile is an uplifting action that can profoundly impact another person. I remember my surprise when I read something that a boy I hardly new wrote in my high school year book, "The smiles you gave me when you walked past me in the hall I won't forget". I had no idea that I had made such an impression on him. I learned that a smile is a gift. It is an expression of love from one human being to another. It says, "I see you. I recognize you. We're connected by our humanity.".
Another benefit of greeting people warmly is that it helps us to accomplish our goals. We all enjoy the company of positive, upbeat people, and are more willing to hear them out, more comfortable to work with them. Positive feelings give us energy, motivation, and confidence. Smiles are contagious. Even on the phone, people can relate to the tone of our voice. When I recorded a voice greeting for my phone at the early childhood center, I always smiled while I spoke. I believed that smile could be heard. It communicated non-verbally that my school was a warm, positive, welcoming place.
Quick smiles don't come naturally to all of us, but they are easy to learn. If we consciously put a smile on our face each time we make eye contact, even with a stranger, it will eventually become a habit. Motor memory. And a default smile will in turn help us and those around us feel more positively. Spread some sunshine in our world. Smile!
I'm not particularly fond of the word "chores". Chores are routine household jobs that we do without thanks and without end. The word rings of drudgery. It brings to mind the endless responsibilities of running a farm: milking the cows, feeding the chickens, weeding the garden, mending fences..... But even in urban households, chores are essential to the smooth functioning of a family: cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc. Chores are a necessary evil for adults, but they bring rich rewards to children. In fact, assigning chores to children is at the top of my list for building self-esteem, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. I wish there were a different word for chores that would better reflect their positive effect on our children.
Assigning jobs to children is routine practice in early childhood classrooms. The jobs rotate, usually weekly, so everyone has a turn at each. Common jobs are weather watcher, line leader, snack helper, attendance monitor, pet feeder. Children love jobs. I once overheard a 4 year old say to his friend, "We have the best school because we have jobs". Jobs for children need to be real; they visibly contribute to the smooth running of the classroom. Completing these tasks makes a child feel competent; "I can do this. I have value." The child learns the importance of cooperation and respect. We are all equally needed to make our group work. We take care of the school environment because it matters to us.
As early childhood director, I often used jobs as a strategy for helping children who displayed behavioral issues in class. A spirited child, with lots of energy, can use that energy in positive or negative ways. Making her responsible for an important class job, say picking up newsletters from the office or holding the door at recess, helps channel that energy positively. Her ability to complete a task successfully, combined with her sense of importance to the group, are the makings of self-esteem. Such a child is much more likely to cooperate with class activities.
Chores at home enforce the same lessons. Each member of a family assumes a share of the responsibility for the smooth functioning of the home. A small child can pick up his toys, throw out his trash. An older child can set the table, clear the table, make his bed. The older the child, the more she can accomplish. I like the expression "carry your weight". The load of the chore should be commensurate with the size/age of the person assigned to it. Keep in mind however, that you must accept the best your child can do. She is unlikely to fold towels or slice fruit the same way you do. Decide where you can compromise in order to afford your child the feeling of accomplishment.
Children who are expected to do chores at home will gain all the benefits of self-esteem, responsibility, and respect. In addition, they will acquire important knowledge of how things work, and how to take care of themselves. One of the most rewarding emails I ever got was from my daughter the year she spent in Israel, between high school and college. She shared an apartment with several other girls who had no experience keeping house. She apologized for all the complaining she had done over the years about her household jobs, and explained how shocking it was to wake up to dirty dishes and sticky countertops. Finally disgusted by the dirt, one girl picked up a mop for the first time in her life. She ended up stuck in a corner until the floor dried!
I do not believe that children should be paid for chores. Every member of the family should be expected to contribute, for the good of all. I think a weekly allowance is a great idea for kids, but it should not be connected to chores. The only time I might pay for a chore is if it is something above and beyond expectations. For example, a child may be expected to put his outdoor toys away, but not necessarily to rake the yard. Raking might be worth something to a parent, and could teach a lesson in negotiating. Unlike routine chores however, if a child is to be paid for something, we can expect a higher standard. My children made their own beds, but I had to train myself to look away and not re-do them. I wouldn't feel the same way if I were paying for the job.
Many people mistakenly think that a child's self-esteem comes from parents or others telling him how great he is. No. Self-esteem can't come from other people. Self-esteem comes from the knowledge that we are capable; we can contribute to the world. And the only way to gain that knowledge is to be given the chance to prove ourselves. Give your child chores, and watch him grow.
