I joined Facebook about seven months ago. I'm not sure what took me so long, but I'm very glad that I finally did. Reconnecting with old friends is a priceless joy, and of course along with that re-connection come the memories of happy, younger days. I notice that many people post mementos of days gone by and I've been wondering about the role of nostalgia in our lives. Is it unhealthy to reminisce? Can reliving happy memories make the present seem dull in comparison? I actually think that the opposite is true.
Nostalgia is defined as sentimentality for the past, for a place or time with happy personal associations. The word is derived from the Greek "nostos", which means "return home", most likely influenced by the travels of Odysseus and the memories of home that sustained him through his travels. In this sense, visiting the past brings comfort, warm feelings, and hope. Happy memories validate that we are loved, connected to others, and that our lives have meaning. Nostalgia can alleviate feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and boredom. Happy memories are forever; they cannot be taken away from us. As Humphrey Bogart said in "Casablanca", "We'll always have Paris." We will always have the precious moments that live in our memories. No one can touch them.
Nostalgia can be painful if we use our memories to compare the past and the present. Think of Stephen Still's line in "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes", "Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now". It's unproductive and untrue to think that things were so much better in "the good old days"; to regret our choices and think, "If only...". Instead, we should derive strength from our memories, understanding that our personal history is what makes us who we are now. We can make better choices today when we recognize and stay true to the sense of self that continues to live in our memories.
I am particularly fascinated with the role of music in our memories. I recently read that the music we love from the ages of twelve to twenty-two gets permanently wired into our brains and becomes "the soundtrack of our lives". It is at this stage of life that our self-identity emerges. Our hormones heighten our emotions dramatically, and the music we enjoy infuses the most momentous years of our lives. Our favorite music is tightly connected with our memories, and its relevance to us does not weaken as we age. No matter how many years have gone by, certain songs can make us relive the feelings we had when we first heard them. The opening licks of Eric Clapton's "Layla" still pull at my heart, and bring me back to my days in the college pub (my favorite hangout). I know that my thirty-something daughter's heart still beats a little faster when she hears Hanson's "Um Bop".
A few days ago, I was feeling sad about the horrors in Florida, as well as missing my sister, who would have celebrated her birthday last week. I posted Jimmy Ruffin's "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted", which I have been singing to myself relentlessly for days. It seemed very cool to me that the people who responded to the post were friends of mine from junior high school, when that song came out. We all loved Motown (and still do) and I remember us singing together. I know that these friends could absolutely relate to my feelings through this song, even though I didn't verbalize them. We will always share that musical / nostalgic connection.
I read somewhere else that children as young as seven can feel nostalgic, particularly as they recall holidays and other celebrations. We cannot tell which particular events will make their way into our children's memories. All we can do is to make each day as positive and wonderful as we can. And listening to their memories as they grow may give us a better view into the personal history they are creating for themselves.
So as important as it is to live in the present, an occasional trip down memory lane has definite benefits. Joni Mitchell sings, "We can't return we can only look behind from where we came". Happy memories, a strong sense of self to make good choices now; a full life.
Remember that line from Snow White? The wicked queen had a magic mirror that she would ask everyday, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?". The mirror always answered that she was, until the day it named Snow White. And so the story began.
Wouldn't it be lovely to have a magic mirror that could honestly evaluate our strengths and weaknesses? Self-awareness is so hard to achieve. In a way though, we actually do have such a mirror. We learn a lot about ourselves by the ways in which people respond to us. Part of growing up is figuring out who we are how we fit into the world, and we get much of that information from the caring adults in our lives. Children know how we feel about them and what we think of them, regardless of the words we use. They intuit our true thoughts and feelings. Our eyes are magic mirrors that reflect who they are.
I interviewed many potential teachers when I was an early childhood director. One question I learned to omit from the interview was, "Why do you want to teach young children?". The answer was always "Because I love children". Unfortunately, this statement is meaningless. Most everyone claims to love children, but what does that really mean? Sure kids can be adorable, and affectionate, and funny and cute, and make us feel needed. But they can also be mean and rude and defiant and hyperactive and messy. They test our patience and can make us feel incompetent. Loving a child isn't about saying it or even feeling it; it's about our actions. Loving a child means working very, very hard to understand what her behaviors are communicating to us; to reach deep within ourselves for all the patience and positivity we can muster to get her through this stage, then the next. I used to tell my teachers that they would not fall in love with every child in their class, but that every child had some lovable qualities, and it was their job to identify, appreciate, and build on those qualities. It's no easy task, but it's the only way that children can learn. They need to know, deep in their bones, that we really care for them.
One day a prospective teacher was giving a model lesson to a toddler class. A little boy in that class had been presenting behavior problems; frequently hitting the other children, pulling their toys away, and even biting. The teachers, parents, and I were working together to identify his needs and help him learn better behavior. At the model lesson, the prospective teacher asked each child his/her name. This little boy said, "I'm Connor (not his real name) and I'm a bad boy". My heart dropped to my feet. I'm sure no one ever told him that, but he felt it. He understood that he was attracting a lot of negative attention, and as wonderful as his teacher was, it was only human for her to feel the need to gird her strength day after day, paste on a happy face and try to manage this child's antics. On some level, he caught all that.
Children can sometimes misinterpret our reactions. How many times have you heard a child say, "My teacher hates me." This is surely an exaggeration, as anyone capable of hate is certainly incapable of teaching. Nevertheless, the child is probably sensing something and it would be a good idea to contact the teacher and hear her thoughts. At home, one of my daughters was convinced that every time I became angry at her I stopped loving her. She would wail, "Mommy hates me!". It took lots of one-on-one time and conversation for her to believe that I loved her no matter what. Even if she did a bad thing and even if I was very angry, she was my precious child and I still loved her. Behaviors can be bad; but children are not. It's important to separate the behavior from the inner-self. I wanted my daughter to know that there was nothing she could ever do to make me stop loving her.
These examples show how exquisitely sensitive children are to the feelings of adults . It's not terrible for them to see our disappointment or even anger. Disappointment shows that we know they can do better. Anger, as long as it is controlled, can even serve as an important teaching tool. Children see that anger is a normal human emotion, and that the speech or behavior that prompted it is deeply offensive. By observing how we behave when we're angry, children can learn ways to manage their own angry feelings.
I've heard it said that eyes are the window to the soul. I personally believe that children are almost like angels. They're so new to the earth, and haven't yet sinned. Maybe that's why they can look into our eyes and read us like a book. For their sake, I continue to work on myself, so that when a child looks into my eyes all he sees is love and kindness.
